#1
I wrote this about my struggle with addiction.

I'm down on myself
But, grinning divine
We're wasting away
All of the time

Feel my skin tear
Feel sweat start to pour
Hear my voice beg
To feel nothing more

The pin prick is safe
It swallows me whole
It lifts up the clouds
It never gets old

Momentum builds quick
Stopping is slow
Legs that are weak
Surely will fall

I'm digging too deep
I've swallowed the sun
I've messed around too much
Running out of fun

I once was a man
But now I'm a slug
Stomp out my flame
Crush this poor bug

I've never been wise
This you must know
I'm starving for death
Please let me go

You are too sweet
Like candy, you break
Please stick around
To watch me degrade
#2
Quote by wasson
I'm down on myself
But, grinning divine
We're wasting away
All of the time

Pretty words, but very cliche. So cliche that I'm immediately apathetic towards the subject.

Feel my skin tear
Feel sweat start to pour
Hear my voice beg
To feel nothing more

Once again, pretty cliche. The meter and rhyme isn't bad, but the lines are ones we've heard so many times.

The pin prick is safe
It swallows me whole
It lifts up the clouds
It never gets old

A bit more interesting, but still pretty bland.

Momentum builds quick
Stopping is slow
Legs that are weak
Surely will fall

Different. I'm seeing a bit more originality.. but the flow is off and the rhyme got screwed up. It's a weird point to just abandon the rhyme entirely.

I'm digging too deep
I've swallowed the sun
I've messed around too much
Running out of fun

"Swallowed the sun" is interesting. I don't understand its literal meaning.

I once was a man
But now I'm a slug
Stomp out my flame
Crush this poor bug

My favorite verse, but it still seems very lacking.. There's nothing to make it pop.

I've never been wise
This you must know
I'm starving for death
Please let me go

Ugh, cliche..

You are too sweet
Like candy, you break
Please stick around
To watch me degrade.

I like the metaphor.. but it could be portrayed a lot better. Personally, I hated "like candy, you break." It doesn't really fit with the voice of the poem, or the stanza, even.


This had a lot of personal pet peeves of mine, so I may have given you a pretty harsh critique. For that, I'm sorry.

Personally, I find the whole ABCB stanza really distasteful, especially with such short lines. It really limits what you can say, and gives it a childish novelty.. Like something a kid would write for homework.

So a lot was lost with the form alone, and because of that, it gave way to lines that were overtly cliche.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I'm just giving my two cents.

Thank you for your kind words on my piece.
#3
I'm down on myself
But, grinning divine
We're wasting away
All of the time

meh... very.. weak opening. wasting away and time is a very cliche idea i'ts been done.

Feel my skin tear
Feel sweat start to pour
Hear my voice beg
To feel nothing more

ohh.. blood guts and tears... cliche. it's been done. i see enough of begging and sweating in movies

The pin prick is safe
It swallows me whole
It lifts up the clouds
It never gets old

meh ok. but i think you could spruce it up a little

Momentum builds quick
Stopping is slow
Legs that are weak
Surely will fall

mm it's an ok stanza on it's own but it is out of place

I'm digging too deep
I've swallowed the sun
I've messed around too much
Running out of fun

meh cliche. been there done that

I once was a man
But now I'm a slug
Stomp out my flame
Crush this poor bug

meh. i like the metaphor. it's aight

I've never been wise
This you must know
I'm starving for death
Please let me go

meh cliche again.

You are too sweet
Like candy, you break
Please stick around
To watch me degrade
mmm.. this is.. meh. it's good you are using similes but try to break fromt he ordinary

over all.. this is very emotionless, a bit dull. i think you need to find something your pationate about and write about it. think harder on how you could articulate your thoughts and change it up. break from the ordinary. a lot of your idea's seem.. cliche and dry. it's good you use simile's but try to think of somethign a little less predictable. c4 c? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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