#1
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Leave a link I'm happy to return .



Open mic night - A short story



Crowd doesn’t want her to stand still, talk politely and show off her best dress. They just want her to play her song and move on. After all stuttering chick is today’s main attraction. She’ll be singing "dead rabbit" her original composition but before enjoying her light heartening performance they’ll have to tolerate six guys screaming six different metaphors for love.

It's going to be so cheesy that the drunk guy in front table has already planned his combat strategy. He'll first scream "just say ****ing I love you instead of singing your stupid song" and then he'll act like he's going to throw up on them. You can't blame him he was going to a comedy club but he saw the poster of stuttering chick and he couldn't miss such an inspiring performance.

His strategy works on first five performers. Each of them skips one verse. Last one chickens out. He thinks everyone is thanking him since everyone is looking at him. The time has come for the main attraction; a Goth girl appears on the stage with an acoustic guitar and says:

Helloooo Eveeeeeryone here it goeeees
Myyyy raaaaaaabitt dieedddd
and I aaaaate hiimmmmm
Now he’s paaaaaaart of meeeeeeeee
I cooooked hiiiiiiim in salt and peper
throoowed itttts boooones unnnnder the tree
Myyyy raaaaaaabitt dieedddd
Now he’s paaaaaaart of meeeeeeeee


She finishes her song and says “thaaaaaank yoooooooou”. Everyone admires her courage while drunk guy compensates his laughter. Jerk!



detailed crit for anyone who cares


Thanks for reading
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at May 30, 2008,
#2
This mixed all that I like about you with an ending that felt like a ehll of an anti-climax.

I think it's "compensates". The word ruined the ending for me. It didn't fit, it felt like the wrong word choice. I feel it didn't give across the intended meaning very well. I'm sure it's that word that did it for me, because it stuck out massively, like Zach's arse.

The rest I felt was pretty soild, as per usual. Maybe stick a comma or two to break up the longer sentences, just so it doesn't get tedious. Lackin punctuation works in broken poetry but prose can sometimes throw it off. Maybe a semi colon after "blame him", I feel that would work better.

I love the tone of this. You're a great cynic.

#3
Thanks for your time . I'll see what i can do about "compensates" . I also love my dunk tone and I believe world is a nice place , Alien invasion is not the only way to fix humanity , children won't suffer tommorow . I 'm hell of a positive person
Hi