#1
Burnt paper and ash slowly wind their way down to his mouth from the tip of his cigarette; stuffed so elegantly between his thinned, pouting lips. He’s standing alone in the centre of town, staring at the flaming buildings as they crumble and blacken around him. Such a heart warming red glow reflected in his oversized, overstated sunglasses; like he’s the guy from Taxi Driver or Schindler's List; staring at the flames erupting from the blazing bodies of those he killed with a slight grimace on his face as he wards the stench of burning flesh back from his nostrils… Only the slight difference of subjective bias, with hate for the fascist but love for anyone who can stand staring at an entire infrastructure dying with nothing but respect in their eyes, and fully justified compassion;
‘Today, Comrades, I watched the city burn
And today, Comrades,
We won’.
It was the ‘we’ that did it for me, I’m sure.

Well; 10 seconds later and he’s crushing the cig beneath his boots, re-adjusting his glasses so they rest on the bridge of his nose, and then turning to leave… We probably just have another battle to win.


Better?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jun 1, 2008,
#2
A bit prosey but still pretty damn good. The "we that did it for me I'm sure" was probably my favorite line. And thanks for understanding that pop-punk doesn't mean shakespeare quality lyrics. lol
#3
yea, exactly what i thought too... sounds like prose. not bad prose, but its definitely not poetry. it could become so with some changes, of course.
#4
Don't scrap it. Put it in prose form. It'll be a good read, then. I have no problem at all with the content at all, it was cool, but the breaks distract from it far too much.



I owe you, so I'll catch another sometime.
#5
Will do, cheers. I'll work on it and re-post it when I haven't just been in a car for 16 hours .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I just absolutely love the way it goes from humor to pathos so quickly in the first two verses, alluding to pop culture, to talking about burning hot flesh. I loved it, it was a refreshing shock.
Last edited by Krispy_chicken at Jun 1, 2008,
#7
^ Cheers. Was that a 'so' quickly, or a 'too' quickly?

And I've edited it, made it more prosey and I'll have another go later on. General thoughts?

I think I need to make sentences shorter.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Really? I know I need to do some editing but personally I think this version works better, or at least would with some structural changes.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Yeah, like... prose =O
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
this reminds me of "vultures" by i forgot the name of
imtiaz dharkeer or something maybe? who cares.
very good. cynical, but i love cynical.
and you know sam
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#13
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!


shush!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
It reminded me of "Two Scavengers in a Truck..." by Ferlinghetti. Have a read, you might like. I quite enjoyed this, but I didn't enjoy "cig" in the final paragraph; it changed the voice and I don't think you intended that. Try it as "cigarette".
#15
Those two poems crop up together in a GCSE poetry anthology.
I think they are
terrible.
This was based on things in there.
Shameful.
Damned shameful.
Please let this drop; I'd gone and forgotten about it
and that was nice
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!