#1
Yeah... read between the lines... or just read some, and not the others. Read it all for all I care, it doesn't matter. C4C...

Oh, love,
I wish I could feel
your gentle embrace,
but you're not to be found.
Sweet love,
I wish I could see
your fair face,
but I'm distracted by Shades of Earth.
find me,
your tender touch
that cradles my dreams,
but not my Mind.
Show me
your cool eyes,
that encase my fire,
but not my Life.
I'm yours...

I've heard
about your
graceful dances, sweet romances.
wishful people
tell me
you are there, behind your veil.
have you.
even a face, a warm smile?
I doubt that...

You are
spreading your stars
all around my head.
Non-existent,
in your navy gown.
To me, at least...
Last edited by Krispy_chicken at Jun 1, 2008,
#2
your to open the third line?
many people is weak. even simply others would be better.
weaving a membrane sucked.
i liked the rest.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Hm, well I used many people to fit, into a meaning if you read the Italics. But, I agree, I was going for an image, I just couldn't quite nail it with membrane, I was just thinking about like the look of galaxies, but with the consistency of silly putty wrapped around my head, like stars being encasing my head, something like that... Thanks. Anything I can crit for you?
#4
if you have anything useful to mention on my latest, feel free.
but i'd feel just as good about you giving a comment or a crit to a random.

Goodbye
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
You are
weaving a membrane
of stars around my head.

i don't really think membrane works here... a 'membrane' would seem to be a case that holds you together, maybe holds you back
and 'stars' kind of would represent wishful thoughts...
doesn't really work and it's heard to picture a membrane of stars

maybe you're thinking along a different line, though?
oh hey, someone already wrote that.
ha, i guess it really does suck... i don't mean that in a way


many people
tell me
you are there, behind your veil.

this kind of didn't fit... i'm not sure why, it just didn't. maybe you could try to fit the meaning with the stanza-part after it.
also, yeah, many people doesn't sound good at all.

and uh... why are the lines italicized?
is that just to separate the stanzas or does it have a meaning?

overall i guess this piece was pretty much okay
i guess i agree with everything someoneyouknew said.
#6
Well, I know there are revisions to be made, and yes, those things you have said are in the works right now. If you read only the Italicized text it has a meaning.
#8
Well, it wasn't meant to be obvious, if it was, I would have used Bold instead, I almost did... but, it is sometimes better to leave the treats for the kids to find, than to give it to them. Still, I revised many people, I think that it expresses more of the idea now. Still working on the last stanza.