#1
When one man dies
the others grieve.
And wear their hearts
upon their sleeves.

They search for kindness
in their hearts,
to offer him
as he departs.

While contemplating
his demise
a vision flashes
in their eyes.

In a moment of
reality
each sees his own
mortality.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#2
I really like the last verse.

That's all I have to say.
Quote by DistantScreams
Awwwww.... CaptainBec that was messed up


Why? Because I rap about reality? Like me and my grandma having a cup of tea?
There ain't no party like my nanna's tea party - heey - ho!
#3
At first I wasn't too sure about this when I read the heart on their sleeves(I guess it seemed a little cliche) thing but I finished reading the rest of it and I must say,
wow, amazing, I love it.


Love the Low end
#4
I think you need to get bigger metaphoric balls.

It's so confined that it seems like you're willing to bust out of it. Now note, unlike some I don't mind structured rhyming poetry at all, and you know that. What I'm saying is, have some fun with it, show off, get some sort of an attitude. The rhyme's here are fairly bog-standard and there's little attempt to show that you're better than that - it's all very in-the-box. Nothing really stands out to me as an attempt to be better than everyone else. I've felt it with your last few as well - they're very "yes, I'm writing poetry" in their execution, but there's no "I'm going to show the fuckers what I can do with words". It's like you're playing it too safe - like I said, the form is fine with me, I'm just commenting on the general execution of ideas. You're not on the edge of the field enough to push the fence out and make the boundaries bigger, or even break out of them. The cows are getting pissed because of how bunched in they are together and they're mooing is driving me insane. Let them run wild for one. Or something. Live a little with your words - it's all very "I'm supposed to do this for it to be a poem", when I want "this is a poem, and it's my fucking poem". I feel you're not pushing yourself to be as good as you can be, and it's giving off this very passive sort of poetry, that lacks that desirable edge.

Or maybe it's just me. I did start talking about cows.
#5
I like it, and as some have stated above me, it is very short and quiet.
Also, the rhythm breaks a little in the last stanza, it goes a little fast, at least compared to the almost steady beat of the rest of the piece. I think the first stanza yes, uses a common cliche, but I think that it isn't bad. I would use a different phrase, just because cliches are just weak in meaning. Not because they have none, but because they are used so much we are desensitized to their meaning. I like the piece in general though.
#6
overall, i have to admit, i was a little disappointed with this piece.
i have to agree with what jammydude said, and i actually love his cow metaphor.
this piece could use one of those.

on a positive note, i did like the last stanza a lot.
my only problem with it is that it's so short it really loses a lot of its meaning.
someone really good at lyrics (i forget who) once pointed out that even the most meaningful lines can lose their meaning when squished into a rhyming couplet.

not that i have any problem with rhyme shceme (look at "the end of your world", for god's sake - i love rhyme scheme) but with this piece the rhyming and everything is all too cramped.
I think that you need to expand on your generally good base ideas, and create something more... profound.

what you should do is take the general idea of each stanza (because they're all good at their core) and use that to create something new, meaningful, and not ridiculously rhyming. just put some space between the rhymes, that's all.

metaphors and similes would add to this piece... as would maybe some references to human behavior.
i garner that this is basically about a man dying and others grief or lack thereof, and if you talked in it about the human error of uncaring, it would improve it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is... grow some metaphorical balls.

but like i said, at its heart, this is a good piece. you just cramp it in too much, and all the rhyming kind of blinds me
#7
Gah, my eyes, the rhyming... well, that is great "Metaphoric Balls" Still, yes, don't be afraid of the big bad metaphor... He won't bite...
#8
thanks for the feedback guys. especially jamie, with that lovely meataphor. <3

when i was writing this, i had a specific audience in mind who have a wide variety of IQ, so i was targeting the lowest common denominator. it seems short because it's unfinished. there was a bit more. but it really didn't fit and i'd lost the feel for the piece. i stripped it down and posted as-is because i wanted to see if it stood on its own. i'll revisit this later and expect it will look quite different, but more from addition than alteration.

put down the cattle prod, jamie.
i'll smash a few fences when i no longer need the comfort of box. :p
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
There's one key problem in this, for me. And that is the (unintentional?) repetition of the word 'heart'. It messes up the rhythm and in such a short piece, that can't be happening.