#1
Is it the way we race the sprinkler,
tempting it to chase us.
Is it the way the ice cream man knows just when to come,
right when we need him the most.
Is it the way that no one seems to give a damn,
our biggest priority to keep the drinks cold.

Or is it the way that none of this is real.

The sprinkler always wins.
The ice cream man grows old.
Duty chastises us for our forgetfulness.
And no matter what we do,
no matter how hard we try to make ourselves blind,
we always see the clouds looming on the horizon.



C4C
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 3, 2008,
#3
Quote by Billyjson
Is it the way we race the sprinkler,
tempting it to chase us.
Is it the way the ice cream man knows just when to come,
right when we need him the most.
Is it the way that no one seems to give a damn,
work, obligations, stress all relieved and forgotten.

Alrighty, here we go. To start with, I absolutely love the title. Brilliant and original. As for this verse, a little disappointing towards the end, but the main body is very good. The commentary on summer is witty and new, but the ending seems a little stale and forced. Maybe lose the "work, obligations, stress" part. Substitute it for something less choppy maybe.

Or is it the way that none of this is real.

Awesome.

The sprinkler always wins.
The ice cream man grows old.
Duty chastises us for our forgetfulness.
And no matter what we do,
no matter how hard we try to make ourselves blind,
we always see the clouds looming on the horizon.

Nice ending stanza. The connection back to the beginning is great, and the twisted-ness of the scene has just the right combination of darkness and reminiscing. The last two lines are brilliant.



Good poem, 9/10. Care to crit mine (they're in my sig)?
#4
Great title for a start. Now for my opinion on your work... well I love the idea. It certainly holds its credence along with other weird and dark material I have read. This line is the only line I do not like, "work, obligations, stress all relieved and forgotten." But that has been mentioned already. But then this line is triumphant, "no matter how hard we try to make ourselves blind, we always see the clouds looming on the horizon." The clouds looming on the horizon is a little cliched but it fits the song well.
I love the way you play on children's thrills and memories by twisting them into something dark and internally dead. But then again, by using the word "horizon", you have this hopeful feeling that its not all forgotten and dead inside, there is hope.
The use of the words "sprinkler" and "ice-cream man" are difficult to conceive into a song, but you have succeded. Because the song is short and not overly complicated and depicts childlike images, you cannot help but run along with the imagery and concentrate on how these things are apart of your life, no matter how fleeting they may seem to be.
#5
I am one who is not very good at using few words to make a point. You have succeeded. so simple, yet so poignant. Neat. Crit mine? (preferably any less looked at ones).
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.
#6
Quote by Billyjson
Is it the way we race the sprinkler,
tempting it to chase us.
Is it the way the ice cream man knows just when to come,
right when we need him the most.
Is it the way that no one seems to give a damn,
work, obligations, stress all relieved and forgotten.
a bit choppy on the last line, but a nice setup
Or is it the way that none of this is real.
i feel like, as the turning point for the tune here, this line should carry a little more weight..
The sprinkler always wins.
The ice cream man grows old.
Duty chastises us for our forgetfulness.
And no matter what we do,
no matter how hard we try to make ourselves blind,
feels long
we always see the clouds looming on the horizon.



C4C


a cool idea, and well excecuted. well done mate!

c4c?

Speakeasy:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=875357
#7
Thanks for the crits. Since everyone seemed to agree about that line I changed it up a little bit. The first post is edited with the new line, let me know what you think

Dante, Brian and Chord your pieces have been critted.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.