#1
New song. Punk.

SYstematic Breakdown

Verse:
The government is taking homes like there's no tomorrow
The IRS is taking money and is sure to follow
Breaking down into smaller pieces of life
they take pride in their evil strife


chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
its all in your head
Systematic
Breakdown
problems arise and fall

verse:
Nobody will save your government if it falls
no one decides anything except in its halls
government is wasting our planets
no one will ever save you so can-it

chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
its all in your head
Systematic
Breakdown
problems arise and fall

Bridge:
Maybe somethings are better left un-touched
-solo!-

final chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
common in our area
Systematic
breakdown
its all in your head

outro:
We're not useless
we're not useful
We're just a band
#2
i would crit this. but tbh, i'd be absolutely brutal. PM me if you want me to do that.
Meadows
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#3
I think that for a punk song, this is nice, but... It lacks... depth, it's basically all cliches of all the punk songs I've heard, maybe, if you threw in more personal experience... It might make for a more meaningful statement.


Quote by guitarheroII
New song. Punk.

SYstematic Breakdown

Verse:
The government is taking homes like there's no tomorrow
The IRS is taking money and is sure to follow
Breaking down into smaller pieces of life
they take pride in their evil strife
Like this, seems like there might be a vague connection to an experience, but it is very distant and... disconnected. Also, they take pride in their evil strife, why do they have strife? Shouldn't those they affect have strife... Just something to reflect on.


chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
its all in your head
Systematic
Breakdown
problems arise and fall
I do like your chorus, still very vague, but it does in a way connect your main theme, and sum it up.


verse:
Nobody will save your government if it falls
no one decides anything except in its halls
government is wasting our planets
no one will ever save you so can-it
This verse is very lacking in rhythm, the lines are trailing, although I like the consonance, although, the planets could be singular to make a better effect.


chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
its all in your head
Systematic
Breakdown
problems arise and fall

Bridge:
Maybe somethings are better left un-touched
-solo!-

final chorus:
Systematic
Breakdown
common in our area
Systematic
breakdown
its all in your head

outro:
We're not useless
we're not useful
We're just a band
This also lacks in rhythm, It doesn't really sum up the song, and leaves me feeling empty, it almost robs it of it's message. Needs work.


It's not bad, you just need to work on using more concrete Ideas, instead of over-generalizing everything, try and make it so people can relate. Try using more imagery also, that never hurts. This could be pretty good, just needs revising.