#1
Wicked Ticket

got a wicked ticket
gonna split it with myself
don’t know if you can tell
but I’m running up the hill
trying to catch Jill

played out hours ago
still in my head
but I’d rather be dead than
to just say ok
in that half-hearted way

fades in and out
my whereabouts
so just sit here with me
and help me learn from my(self and my) sins
soaked with gin

unwrap a necklace
throw the box in the fire
I’d be a liar
if I said this won’t end

see how you see me?
you look right through me
and it’s only been
hours ago
since we took drugs
with eachother’s hands
#2
Hm, I am kinda lazy to give a full critique but, one thing I can say, is work on rhythm, You don't have to have a beat, but it seems like the words are really disconnected.
#3
okay, so i'm not so lazy.
here's my crit

i loved the first two lines - not sure why, but i guess i like it a lot.
second two lines: well you ditched the rhyme scheme so far... but maybe it's AABC? i've done that
fifth line: i do not like this line at all. the rhyme sounds corny, and it doesn't seem to have any meaning.

by the way, so far the rhyme scheme seems to be AABCC. fine.

played out hours ago
still in my head
but I’d rather be than
to just say ok
in that half-hearted way

um... new rhyme scheme? head and d'ead rhyme... but d'ead's in the middle of the line. um... why?
ok and way is a very cliche sounding rhyme. actually, i think the problem with your rhymes is that you only use one-syllable words for them, which tends to make rhymes corny. consider changing this.

fades in and out
my whereabouts
so just sit here with me
and help me learn from my(self and my) sins
soaked with gin

okay, so you went back to the rhyme scheme. good.
um... what fades in and out? and what happened to the ticket?
also, you kind of ditched the rhythm. get it back.

unwrap a necklace
throw the box in the fire
I’d be a liar
if I said this won’t end

i like the first two lines of this - it's good imagery. maybe you should use more imagery throughout the piece.
um... no rhyme scheme, no rhythm. consider fixing that.
and once again, your one-syllable rhymes disturb me.

see how you see me?
you look right through me
and it’s only been
hours ago
since we took
with each other’s hands

i think i like this stanza the best.
the last line is kind of awkward-seeming.

so yeah, if you fix what i mentioned and put in more figuritive language, this piece could really be pretty good.
feel free to crit one of my pieces...
's appreciated
Last edited by M-D at May 31, 2008,