#1
Here's another halfway decent song...
i don't often write about god but i felt compelled to express my apathy
c4c, as always


Sanction
by The Dawn

I have thoughts infused with suffering
I have words to kill your kind
I have deeds repressed by crucifying h*te (f*cking blocking software...)
2,000 years they've been confined.

All my faith has long been washed away,
So too has all your love been gone
Your bl**dy struggle hasn’t proved one thing to us
Yet somehow you keep crawling on

These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

My rock may squirm beneath society
But your rock crumbled long ago
And while you perch atop your steeple's blades,
I will rest on what I know

You say the man downstairs resides here
And tempts me every night I sleep
You almost killed us with the words you throw
But now he’s found your souls to reap.

These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

You preach salvation from the gates of Hell,
I speak of freedom from your lies
My people burnt atop your splintering cross,
But now your end’s before our eyes

These truths
These lives
This shallow point in space
Your sheep
Your fire
You can’t destroy this place
Last edited by M-D at Jun 6, 2008,
#4
I don't see anything wrong with this... Not rule breaking-ly wrong.

Um, I very much like the flow, except in the refrain, when it says "Are etched in to my face..."
did you mean to separate the words in and to, if so, it makes turbulence on Rhythm Air... For me at least.
#5
Sanction
by The Dawn

I have thoughts infused with suffering
I have words to kill your kind
I have deeds repressed by crucifying
2,000 years they've been confined.

i see this having the three 'i haves' lopped off, and the 'they've been' chopped


All my faith has long been washed away,
So too has all your love been gone
Your y struggle hasn’t proved one thing to us
Yet somehow you keep crawling on

see this as the 'all' and 'long' being cut
- the word 'love' in here seems out of place, just because of the previous imagery (i.e. suffering, kill your kind, love, repressed, crucifying, confined, - ((the 5th grade test question) class, which word is out of order?..) , but, maybe the sentence could be re-structured to make the word 'love' work here..

i see 'to us' as being cutable

maybe another word for 'crawling'? because if god does exist, and you're talking to him, you could prob see that he does many things, none of which could be described as 'crawling'. .. . just my immediate thoughte



These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

.. i see the word 'face' as being an 'incorrect' word.. i'm thinking something more like 'mind' ... but would such a word work? and maybe something being 'etched into a face' is a bit tad gruesome-ish ... i.e. a hippy trippin' would prob have a bad trip immediately after hearing this line at a festival . (ha)

would god have 'bones' ?

what is meant by 'this place'? earth? your mind? your bedroom?



My rock may squirm beneath society
But your rock crumbled long ago
And while you perch atop your steeple's blades,
I will rest on what I know

the first time i read about a squirming rock, i wasn't sure about the imagery, and still, am not too sure..

i like 'steeple's blades' .. prob my fav line from the whole piece (btw i'm an atheist)
but the 'perch' part, it make s me think that god is a big ass bird.. and i dunno, doesn't hit me quite right that image there

is what you know , that god doesn't exist? even though you're talking to him (in 1st person)?



You say the man downstairs resides here
And tempts me every night I sleep
You almost killed us with the words you throw
But now he’s found your souls to reap.

i found 'the man downstairs' to be too like sitcom- y language, as compared to the rest of the language in this piece. i don't know, you might have to bite the bullet here and just say 'the devil' ... but does that work here? dunno..

i 'm not sure which words you're talking about - the bible? did god throw the bible in an angry hurl once ? - is that part of the lost sea scrolls? .. i knew it!

'souls' part.. diggin pretty deep here



These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

You preach salvation from the gates of Hell,
I speak of freedom from your lies
My people burnt atop your splintering cross,
But now your end’s before our eyes


god preaching from the gates of hell? that's ****ed up.


These truths
These lives
This shallow point in space
Your sheep
Your fire
You can’t destroy this place


it seems like you're talking personally to god, and that might seem a little pretentious to some (i.e. - i can talk to god and i'm not even scared and i bitch him out to his face..).


i think that if you took this idea and used some of your favorite lines from it, or the images you liked the best, and shortened it up, and lost the directness of talking to god directly and 'telling him like it is' or what have you, that it could be pretty cool.
#6
Quote by parkt921k
they're gonna report you for sure .. nothing gets by this bunch
*reported for spam* If there was something that would have made this "surely reportable" you should have reported it yourself. If not, don't post.


M-D, I'll be back to give this a proper crit tomorrow.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
btw I apologize.. M-D had two lyrics posted weeks apart that had been commented on at roughly the same time . mY bAD .
#8
thanks for the review parkt
if there's anything you want me to crit just leave a link...

as for the review, you definitely made a lot of good points, I'll have to look back and re-write a good part of this now (I guess that's what I asked for, ha)

one thing though, this piece isn't talking to god (although I do like the idea of god preaching from hell...) it's directed more towards the Christian hierarchy (by the way I'm jewish. and atheist. and yeah, that's actually possible)
It's kind of... a written expression of disgust, i suppose.
don't get me wrong, there's a lot of great things about Christianity, but... there's also quite a few not-so-good things

"crawling on" refers to the religeon itself. i suppose i should find a different word though, because christianity's not exactly meager. (now JEWs. we're hangin on by a thread, man)

maybe face isn't the right word.
place refers to a state of mind. namely, my, state of mind.

yup, you're right. it's a sitcom phrase. that's gonna have to go.

hmm... rereading it for the billionth time, i really don't like this stanza
You say the man downstairs resides here
And tempts me every night I sleep
You almost killed us with the words you throw
But now he’s found your souls to reap.

maybe SomeoneYouKnew will have some suggestions? he writes some good stuff...

i think you're right - this would be better if it wasn't so extensive
i'll see what SYK has to say (f*ck that rhymes) and then fix/shorten/change it a ton.
#10
Quote by M-D
i'll see what SYK has to say (f*ck that rhymes)
actually it doesn't.
it should be pronounced "sick", like my sense of humour.


Sanction
by The Dawn

I have thoughts infused with suffering
I have words to kill your kind
I have deeds repressed by crucifying
2,000 years they've been confined.
the exact repetition of I have works well.
crucifying could be better
i'd rather see the 2000 written out as two thousand.
you could even drop they've been if you choose.


All my faith has long been washed away,
there are a number of ways you could alter this.
experiment with them.
Drop All and possibly long.

So too has all your love been gone
you can keep all in this line if you delete it from the previous
or vice versa. tbh, neither of them do much for me. i'd drop both.

Your y struggle hasn’t proved one thing to us
i don't understand the purpose of y so i'll skip right past that.
the tiniest words can have a huge impact on perception.
one seem to imply "not even one". that's overstating. you could change that to a.
sometimes less is more.

Yet somehow you keep crawling on

These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

My rock may squirm beneath society
this doesn't read well.
But your rock crumbled long ago
And while you perch atop your steeple's blades,
i didn't like steeple's blades.
I will rest on what I know

You say the man downstairs resides here
resides or visits?
And tempts me every night I sleep
You almost killed us with the words you throw
But now he’s found your souls to reap.
You in the first line and your in the last seem to point in different directions.

These words
These thoughts
Are etched in to my face
Your bones
Your lies
You'll never reach this place

You preach salvation from the gates of Hell,
I speak of freedom from your lies
My people burnt atop your splintering cross,
But now your end’s before our eyes

These truths
These lives
This shallow point in space
Your sheep
Your fire
You can’t destroy this place

definitely not my cup of tea, but the writing isn't all that bad.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.