#1
I came up with this song during ela which is probably the one class that i should actually be paying attention in. Anyway, this basically has the same theme as A Tribute To Her, and in fact may entirely replace the song. This song is meant more for the music, so there aren't too many lyrics. In fact, there's about a minute to a minute and a half of playing before the lyrics kick in. Anyway, here's the song. C4C.

Verse:
Adversary to my heart.
Condemned to not being apart
as I see you,
my secondary soul.

Like the blue waves of oceans
or love is always in motion<<finally fixed those lines.
to be beautiful
we'll never be too old.

Chorus:
Some things last forever,
but still others don't.
The sparks don't fly.
The ignition doesn't go.

Out of nowhere
the car stops moving.
Only hatred, nothing soothing
Oh, how I don't want you to go.

(A lot of music and soloing. Chorus is sung again in the background of the music probably with a phaser effect.)
(Is it sang or sung? I have no idea. Anyway, back to the song.)

Outtro:
Now I hate
the look of sea. << going back to the waves of the ocean simile
We have to end:
you and me.

After this,
there's one thing to remember:
some things,
some things last forever.
Last edited by grevhead221 at Jun 3, 2008,
#5

Adversary to my heart.
Condemned to not being apart
as I see you,
my secondary soal.

i like this. maybe it's because i haven't read your other song but it has a mysterious feel to it, it pulls me in making me want to keep reading/listening.

The salt is with the pepper
we're together forever << I hate those two lines
to be beautiful
we'll never be too old.

i agree with you about those lines. they're quite cheesy which i presume isn't the intention of the song. otherwise i like where it's going.

Chorus:
Some things last forever,
but still others don't.
The sparks don't fly.
The ignition doesn't go.

i like this verse, nothing much to say really other than the 2nd line seems a little blunt if you get what i mean.

Out of nowhere
the car stops moving.
Only hatred, nothing soothing
Oh, how I don't want you to go.

i'm not sure if this is still the chorus or not, if it is then i think it's fine. if it's a new verse, the last line kind of seems a bit sudden to me

(A lot of music and soloing. Chorus is sung again in the background of the music)
(Is it sang or sung? I have no idea. Anyway, back to the song.)

Outtro:
Now I hate
the taste of sea. << going back to the salt and pepper metaphor
We have to end:
you and me.

i LOVE this verse. this verse makes the metaphor at the start more meaningful, maybe you could reword it but keep the metaphor there?

After this,
there's one thing to remember:
some things,
some things last forever.

i like this aswell, it's a nice ending.


good work on this song, it's well written and i am really interested in hearing this with the music you've arranged for it. let us know when/if you record this.
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#6
Thx for the crit so far everyone. I really appreciate it. As for the recording of it, I'm not sure when we'll be able to record it cause no one's got any time these days with finals comming up and all. I think the earliest we'll be able to record it would be like late June or early July once school's over. By then our bassist should have his recording studio put in his basement so it should be sometime areound then. Once again, thx for the great crit everyone.
#7
a classic love song.
written well
although i do agree with the "were together forever" part
put some time into re-thinkng the line
crit mine .in sig
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 1, 2008,
#8
thanks for the crit man

i really like this,
its simple, showing affection, the metaphors do bring it together somewhat, reminds me of an older song i wrote about a girl, they love the simple easy to understand things.

Really love the outro part, the taste of sea was interesting

and this could easily be an awesome Cure (band) song, my opiniong :P:

anyways, crit a new one?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=874391
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#9

Adversary to my heart.
Condemned to not being apart
as I see you,
my secondary soal.
Good start. Nothing wrong except misspelling of "soul".


The salt is with the pepper
we're together forever << I hate those two lines
to be beautiful
we'll never be too old.
If you don't like it, change it. Honestly, the tie in at the end isn't enough to save the cliche'/immaturity (not sure how to describe it) of the first two lines. The second two are nice though.

Chorus:
Some things last forever,
but still others don't.
The sparks don't fly.
The ignition doesn't go.
This is a good chorus, but personally I think you should add four more lines. Perhaps in the first go through you leave it like this and the other two you extend it more? Just personal opinion here.

Out of nowhere
the car stops moving.
Only hatred, nothing soothing
Oh, how I don't want you to go.
Again, feels short. Add more to this section. I want to know just how pissed off he/she is and just how sad you are about it.

(A lot of music and soloing. Chorus is sung again in the background of the music)
(Is it sang or sung? I have no idea. Anyway, back to the song.)

Outtro:
Now I hate
the taste of sea. << going back to the salt and pepper metaphor
We have to end:
you and me.
Maybe those other two lines could make an ocean reference? That would make a lot more sense than salt and pepper, I think.

After this,
there's one thing to remember:
some things,
some things last forever.
Good ending, but maybe you should put "Only some things," as you say that the current relationship is ending.


Not a bad piece. I understand your message in it.
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#10
Ok. Thanks for the crit. Believe me, I've been trying to come up with something to go there. And just as a future reference the second stanza after "chrous" is still the chorus. Its not separated. Thx again for the crit everyone.
#11
simple song but it really speaks to the reader/listener, good stuff
#12
Cool song. It sounds like it could be one of those cool pieces where, like you more or less said, the lyrics complement the music, not the other way around. And thanks for critiquing mine.
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But until then all that I can do
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#13
pretty good id love to hear the full recording
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