#1
I wrote this a while ago but thought I may as well post it here


Getting left behind,
The world has changed again,
But we're still apart,
I want this all to end.

Looking through these eyes,
I see you're still the same,
one thing that hasn't changed,
but i can't get you anyway.

Perhaps i should just give up...
Focus on the present not the past,
But then i see your face again,
A face thats so familiar...

All i wanted to be,
was a figure in your life,
now i see whats right,
you can dissapear or die...
#2
It feels like I've read this all before. Its not cliche exactly but the idea of being left behind or unnoticed and forgotten has been worn down and used pretty thoroughly.

Having said that, I think you've got a good start to a bigger piece here. Try to have fun with the language that you use, and don't tell it. Show it. Right now it is just a list of events, but if encrypt it in metaphor and imagery instead it would be much more fun to read and more meaningful to the people who read it. Hopefully that helps a bit, good luck
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
^ Aye, exactly what I think.

You don't have to plainly state what you think. Cleverly written imagery that holds peoples senses and makes them relate to a piece much more than that. You also don't have to use straight up rhyme. Obvious rhyme. Just play around with words and see what works. Read all you can too to find new ways of writing and a style that suits you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Having a read of either of the things in my sig would be nice, although the second isn't that great I'd like an opinion.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I never say no to a crit, if you want to take a look at the bottom one in my sig that'd be cool.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
its pretty good dude.
i can see you put some time into it.
i think what you need to do is, in the future, try to deepen the meaning, make it relatable to the reader.