#1
alright. this is basically my first song iv put on here.


This song is basically, an goodbye to an old friend.
----------------------------------------------------
The sun sets, your soul falls,
as you walk, the stars call,
the ocean mourns now, for all its swallowed whole

The days pass so fast now,
watch now as the stars fall,
once great day, turn dreaded cold,
the days they now grow old.
in new life, there is certain death,
you lie now, on your death bed,
your cold eyes, your warm breath,
you slowly fall, to eternal bliss

so so long and goodbye, i never knew
the reason why, you told me so long ago.
that everything must die.
and in the end its all gone with no hope.
and this song, to tell you that once was, comforting
is forevergone,
--------------------------------

edit: changed the '...' to "they" as someone requested
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 2, 2008,
#2

The sun sets, your soul falls,
as you walk, the stars call,
the ocean mourns now, for all its swallowed whole

i like this, it sets the tone of the rest of the song well

The days pass so fast now,
watch now as the stars fall,
once great day, turn dreaded cold,
the days...now grow old.
in new life, there is certain death,
you lie now, on your death bed,
your cold eyes, your warm breath,
you slowly fall, to eternal bliss

not much to criticise here, it definitely shows your sadness and flows well

so so long and goodbye, i never knew
the reason why, you told me so long ago.
that everything must die.
and in the end its all gone with no hope.
and this song, to tell you that once was, comforting
is forevergone,
this is a good ending i like it.


i really liked this song as you can probably tell, although i would have liked it to be longer. it seems like there could be more to be said.
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
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#3
thanks for the detailed crit.
i wrote this sng when i was supposed to be studing for a test in my history class.

i will try to find more to write. but for now ill have to think.
#6
Quote by iamdisturbed

----------------------------------------------------
The sun sets, your soul falls,
as you walk, the stars call,
the ocean mourns now, for all its swallowed whole
Good way to start a piece. Really gave me a calming start.

The days pass so fast now,
watch now as the stars fall,
once great day, turn dreaded cold,
the days...now grow old.
Instead of "..." in the last line, how about "they"? That's the way I would do it. Good stanza though.

in new life, there is certain death,
you lie now, on your death bed,
your cold eyes, your warm breath,
you slowly fall, to eternal bliss
The use of death twice in two lines somewhat bothers me, but I can't think of a work-around myself. Perhaps you can? Also, when you say "death bed" in such a manner, it seems a little harsh to me. The next two lines are good, the third line provides excellent contrast.

so so long and goodbye, i never knew
the reason why, you told me so long ago.
that everything must die.
and in the end its all gone with no hope.
and this song, to tell you that once was, comforting
is forevergone,
This stanza really hit me. Good ending, too.
--------------------------------


Overall, well written. I liked it.

Also, Norma Jean is a metal band, not a female artist. One of those cool bands all the cool kids have to listen to. :P
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#7
I really liked this song a lot. I, too, would have liked it to be longer but whatev. It was very well written and very emotional. It kinda gives you that feeling to go watch a funny movie that you've seen wayy too many times. I really liked the imagery. Thanks for the crit on my song. But its not really a love song, its more about a bad relationship. I'd love to hear when and if you record it. Great job. You should definately put more on UG because this is wayy too good to be your first song.
#8
Quote by DiveRightIn63
Overall, well written. I liked it.

Also, Norma Jean is a metal band, not a female artist. One of those cool bands all the cool kids have to listen to. :P



lol
im that kinda kid. ill revise it today in history.

I really liked this song a lot. I, too, would have liked it to be longer but whatev. It was very well written and very emotional. It kinda gives you that feeling to go watch a funny movie that you've seen wayy too many times. I really liked the imagery. Thanks for the crit on my song. But its not really a love song, its more about a bad relationship. I'd love to hear when and if you record it. Great job. You should definately put more on UG because this is wayy too good to be your first song.


thanks.
i dont understand the part about watching teh movie part. but whatev. =p
i didnt mean it to be a love song. more like a goodbye.
i was thinking about my grandpa who died of cancer last year, and i never got to see him.so i wrote this in his memory.
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 2, 2008,
#9
I love the way everything intertwines. You use the same imagery throughout the song, but in different ways. You use the stars as a feeling of hope, but yet that hope is still falling, which is a really effective and powerful, but simple, way of describing the two emotions involved.
This is really originalas well, but you only feel that after a few reads. At first I was very critical, but then I started to see why you repeated things so much. Its so simple but I passed over it too quickly. And thats the loss that you feel. Its totally different from what your lyrics suggest. I don't know if you deliberately contrasted the two themes or feelings, but it worked so well. Your lyrics are simple, but the emotion of loss is so much more complicated. Its an awesome parody.
Great work.