#1
I think it's in my head
I think it's in my mind
I think I should be dead
I think I'm bein too kind

I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like i'm sinking
And you know its all for you

I think it'll never end
I think I'm gonna tend
I think I'm in torture
I thk I'm dyin for you

I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like I'm sinking
and you know its all for you

I think I'm gonna move
I think I love you
I think I love you
I think I love..

I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like i'm sinking
and you know its all for you

I think i'm gonna miss you
I think i'm gonna die
I think i'm gonna burn in hell
I think i can see the sky

I do too much thinking
I dont know what to do
I feel like im sinking
and you know that i love you


Ok. This was a quick idea I had in my head a few months ago, and I just randomly jotted a few lines down in my notepad, and then when I got back home I typed it up and changed it around a bit, it's my first attempt, but it basically just explains how I feel really, so that's why I like it. 2 of my mates (one of them is the person its about) say it's really really good, but I dunno...

Any help on making it better taken kindly

Thanks
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Everyone is trying a comeback now. Metallica, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage, and now bin Laden? Come on. Give it a rest..


haha
#2
I really like this, so I will do a full critique.


Quote by IDon'tLoveYou
I think it's in my head
I think it's in my mind
I think I should be dead
I think I'm bein too kind
Aside from the lack of punctuation, this is very good, the flow is very nice.


I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like i'm sinking
And you know its all for you
This is my favorite part, you did a nice job with the refrain...


I think it'll never end
I think I'm gonna tend
I think I'm in torture
I thk I'm dyin for you
Well, think in the last line is missing some letters... I think that this needs a lot of work right here, It doesn't quite fit. and, using a ABAB rhyme scheme to using a AABC really throws off the rhythm. For me at least.


I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like I'm sinking
and you know its all for you

I think I'm gonna move
I think I love you
I think I love you
I think I love..
I think this works very nicely to bridge, but, it kinda breaks apart the nice flow you get going, it's like when you press on the brak in a car then let go and press it again, it isn't all that smooth.


I do too much thinking
I don't know what to do
I feel like i'm sinking
and you know its all for you

I think i'm gonna miss you
I think i'm gonna die
I think i'm gonna burn in hell
I think i can see the sky
This seems a bit random, and disconnected from the main idea, I can see you trying to throw some imagery in there, but try and make it fit.


I do too much thinking
I dont know what to do
I feel like im sinking
and you know that i love you
I love the way you ended this, it makes it seem final, and finished the way you changed the refrain, very nice.


Ok. This was a quick idea I had in my head a few months ago, and I just randomly jotted a few lines down in my notepad, and then when I got back home I typed it up and changed it around a bit, it's my first attempt, but it basically just explains how I feel really, so that's why I like it. 2 of my mates (one of them is the person its about) say it's really really good, but I dunno...

Any help on making it better taken kindly

Thanks



All in all, this is very nice, but very rough. Try and make it flow, and everything fit together... And try to use some punctuation!
#3
Wow cheers for the input. I'll set about changing it all around after my exam this afternoon haha.
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Everyone is trying a comeback now. Metallica, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage, and now bin Laden? Come on. Give it a rest..


haha
#4
Bumpy.

C4C or anything anyone??
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Everyone is trying a comeback now. Metallica, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage, and now bin Laden? Come on. Give it a rest..


haha