#1
So, this is one of my first lyrics i've ever written, and its about basically a plea for my friend to talk to me and tell me whats wrong after I ****ed up our relationship by having a crush on her. true story. Can someone crit this please? it'd help a lot.

Intro
Hey
Where are you?
I can't feel you anymore.
I'm drowning in the sea of my mind

Verse1
Are you still there?
What did I ever do?
I want to talk, but where?
I can not lose you.

Chorus
You'll laugh it off and just pretend,
that there's nothing wrong, it all depends,
but the truth is I'm scared
and I can't bear to lose you again.

Verse2
These days pass no more
You're still there but not for me
Remember before? I can't anymore
I'm blind with no hope to see.

Bridge
It was just a crush...

Chorus
You'll laugh it off and just pretend,
that there's nothing wrong, it all depends,
but the truth is I'm scared
and I can't bear to lose you again.

Outro
So I write this letter to you
hopefully you'll find it some day
My life is a mess
I need you to stay.
Call me Jack.
All that you love...
...you must love now.
My Gear:
PRS Custom 24
Standard MIM Tele
Larrivée LV-09E
Rivera Clubster 45 112 Combo Tube
Boss ME-20 Multi-effects pedal
Boss OC-3 Super octave pedal
My own home-made octave-up pedal
Last edited by Arrived+Dparted at Jun 1, 2008,
#2
Thats pretty deep man... smiliar story on my end except the girl said she felt the same way and we went out and she cheated on me... but thats a good lyric set.
#3
great lyrics u can tell there heartfelt but i think it might make a better last impression if you ended the song with singing "this is just a letter from a friend" or something like that at the end but all in all really great especially for ur first lyrics
#4
If you plan to have her hear this, she might understand. hey, it's pretty good. 7/10 because some of the song seems to be written in rhyme simply because you had no other routes.

This is my version[modified]

Intro
Hey
Where are you?
I can't feel you anymore.
I'm drowning in the sea of my mind

Verse1
Are you still there?
What did I ever do?
I want to talk, but where?
I feel I've lost you.

Chorus
You'll laugh it off and just pretend,
that there's nothing wrong with us
but the truth is I'm scared
that I'll lose you again.

Verse2
These days pass no more
You're still there but not for me
Can you remember the past?
I wish you could see us now[maybe too long on that one]

Bridge
It was just a crush
nothing more to be had
It was just a crush
and you know i'm not mad

Chorus
You'll laugh it off and just pretend,
that there's nothing wrong, it all depends,
but the truth is I'm scared
to lose you again.

Outro
So I write this letter to you
hopefully you'll find it some day
My life is a mess
I need you to stay.

not sure about the end. you'll do better with that one.
I got some good guitars, yo.
#5
frankly, I've read lyrics that sounded just like this before. Try to use more original phrasings to try and make it your own.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.