#1
these lyrics are sung over the first demo i did with my band Last Exit
you can hear it here:
www.myspace.com/lastexitbandnj

but what i want to know is if the lyrics could use some sprucing up

Scrape the dirt off the payphone
to pay for a cry for help
cigarette butts and broken bones
nailed to your belt
sleep the night in the gutter
wake up in the rain
and the value of everything
digs a hole into your brain

its alright X4

shoes scuff the sidewalk
and sink in concrete
and the city eats you
against a sky cold and bleak
theres no saving a man
without a will to live
but theres pills and women to be had
but no love left to give

its alright x4

C4C as always
~b
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jun 2, 2008,
#4
I don't understand 60% of the lyrics. I understand feet sinking in concrete and feet scuffing the ground. Don't get broken bones nailed to your belt. What's the meaning behind this song, exactly?

Please define, otherwise known as 3/10 until further notice. If it's about a will to live, like finding a reason/purpose to live, maybe....

Scrape the dirt off my face
to try to find a little help
cigarette smoke fills the air
as I try to find my way
sleepless the night in the gutter
waking up in the rain
and the sadness of life
has dug a hole in my brain

its alright
to be afraid
its alright
to feel ashamed

people walk the sidewalk
and sink in concrete
and the world hates you
against a sky cold and bleak
theres no saving a man
without a will to live
but theres pills and women to be had
but no life left to give

its alright
to be afraid
its alright
to be ashamed x2

possibly put

don't give up on life

as a slow outro. but thanks, i'm trying to get into writing some good songs, and just doing this is helping. keep writing my friend, hope you understand how my version my help people relate. although if you prefer your version, keep it. i don't take this as my work, just my boredness and wanting to help you have more fans.
I got some good guitars, yo.
#5
im really sorry mate
im almost always appreciative of any comments given, good or bad, because theyre HELPFUL
deciding that the song 'doesnt makes sense to you' DOES NOT give you the right to rewrite the damn thing!
... criticisms and corrections are one thing. rewriting is another entirely
Last edited by ChordMonger at Jun 3, 2008,
#7
Quote by chord monger
thats honestly a d!ck thing to do man... criticisms and corrections are one thing. rewriting is another entirely
agreed. but it's also poor form to call it "a d!ck thing to do". You have every right to feel incensed. But try to word things with less of that showing.


Leat, just work with the piece as it's originally posted.
Beneath any line where you have a suggestion for a change,
put it in bold or colour so it stands out as your opinion on that particular line.
Never be afraid to speak your mind on what you believe to be bad or good.
It is after all, your opinion and the author can use or dismiss it as he sees fit.
But a rewrite really isn't appropriate.


chord monger, the rules allow for you to make 3 replies only on your own thread. after that you can only answer direct questions about the piece. Don't waste 2 in a row like that. Use the edit function.


I'll be back tomorrow with a crit on the piece. PM me if i forget.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
Scrape the dirt off the payphone
to pay for a cry for help
the intro makes little sense to me.
it implies the dirt is going to somehow pay for the call.
it could probably be better without pay showing up twice in such a short span.

cigarette butts and broken bones
nailed to your belt
sleep the night in the gutter
wake up in the rain
and the value of everything
digs a hole into your brain
the value of everything digging is a stretch.
that said, digs itself might be replaced by something more interesting.
burrows? erodes? bores?


its alright X4
meh x4

shoes scuff the sidewalk
and sink in concrete
and the city eats you
devours?
against a sky cold and bleak
bleh
theres no saving a man
without a will to live
but theres pills and women to be had
but no love left to give
repeat opening of some previous lines with and wasn't all that bad.
but here opening repeatedly with but is dreadful.
the first instance it mitigates the fact that there's no saving...
and in the second it take away from the fact that there's pills and a woman.
it gets a bit "wimpy" because of that.


its alright x4


i like some of the oddities you linked together, but it feels like it could stand some tuning.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.