#1
Oh how we talk amongst ourselves
Placing faces on the people we see
Left in the dark of our own problems
As we stutter with what we believe

Our eyes glance in the right direction
Oh, Oh it's just a shimmer
Of the lives we lead
Oh, Oh we're just a glimpse apart

I hate the way we blame others
We cause our own termoil
Yet let others fall for our mistakes
Our conscience torched by seldom lies
^Last line seems a bit too long though.

[chorus again]

Not sure if I should add a bridge. This is just the lyrics so far, so any chord progressions/rhythm ideas are welcome.

c4c
I got some good guitars, yo.
Last edited by Leat at Aug 15, 2008,
#2
Quote by Leat
Oh how we talk amongst ourselves
Placing faces on the people we see
Left in the dark of our own problems
As we stutter with what we believe

This is a good stanza, and it flows really well. 'Stutter' is a good choice of word.

Our eyes glance in the right direction
Oh, Oh it's just a shimmer
Of the lives we lead
Oh, Oh we're just a glimpse apart

Good word play here. If this is a pop-punk song, 'Oh, Oh' can definitely helps hook this chorus.

I hate the way we blame others
We cause our own termoil
Yet let others fall for our mistakes
Not a concern for how they feel[or should feel be replaced with bleed? a bit emo...]

Definitely not bleed. Feel seems a bit sketchy to me too, though. Perhaps revise that whole last line? I like the message in this stanza in particular.

[chorus again]

Not sure if I should add a bridge. This is just the lyrics so far, so any chord progressions/rhythm ideas are welcome.

c4c


I'd say add a bridge. Bridges are very nice for slowing a song down, speeding it up, or just putting a nice catchy line into it.

This is very well written, but is a bit short.

C4C? Mine should be on the front page... "Hold On"
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.