#1
Boring. C4C

Snowglobe
In this world,
That we loved,
But you knew we couldn't touch,
We go tit
For tat,
With the peace you almost had.
Will you break,
When I break?
Or will you sit back and laugh?
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jun 2, 2008,
#2
lol you said 'tit'.

...



...



In this world,
That we loved,
But you knew we couldn't touch,
We go tit
For tat,
With the peace you almost had.
Will you break?
When I break?
Or will you sit back and laugh?

First issue, at least for me, is the way you spaced it and where your commas and question marks went. It slowed me down when reading and kind of confused me.

Second, this is a rather short piece. When dealing with short pieces, you need something to completely strike your reader, and to be honest this wasn't present in this piece.

I do, however, think the title was used cleverly. Good job on that.


Sorry for the crap crit... If you would like to return the favor, my song is on the first page; "Hold On." Don't feel compelled to return crit though, I don't feel I really help much for you.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.