#1
This was meant as a song, but can just as easily be a poem.
c4c? mb? 'nuff of that...

Open mouth,
filled with bees.
Her tongue hangs down,
below her knees.
"Can't you fulfill my,
wants and dreams?"

He looks around,
the birds have flown.
Their calling chills
his flesh and bone.
"Don't look in her eyes sun,
you'll turn to stone."

He takes two steps back
and walks away.
The sun is bright for a cloudy day,
He watches as the children play.
The sun shines through the clouds today.

Black tar under his feet,
leads him to the end of the street,
where his ex-love used to be.
He is watching silently...

His open eyes,
fill with ice.
Her pupils crawl,
on the floor like mice.
"Can you buy me
something nice?"

He stares her down,
as she stares at the ground.
He's about to say no,
as she is turning round.
She walks out the door
without making a sound.

She takes two steps back,
and walks away.
The sun is high on a cloudy day.
Should have listened to what her old man say,
"He is no good for you, baby jay..."

Black tar beneath her feet,
leads her to the end of the street,
where her home used to be,
she finds him watching silently...
#2
Before I comment on the song (or any song for that matter), I like to know how it would be sung. Sure, a song can be sung a thousand different ways, but what is the intention of the writer? Is this going to be a metal song? An acoustic song? etc.

Let me know and I'll gladly critique.
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#4
To be honest, I found it quite entertaining in that "dark" sense. While reading it the second and third times, I had some dark(er) power chords playing in the back of my mind. Due to your response of the Doors-esque style, I pictured it more along the lines of "The Ghost Song" where it is more read than sung, and in that sense I found it pretty appealing.
: : Guitars
Epiphone Les Paul Custom Black Beauty
Ibanez Acoustic-Electric
Fender Black Strat
: : Effects
Boss CH-1 Super Chorus
Visual Sound Jekyll & Hyde Distortion & Overdrive
Dunlop Crybaby
Fender Tuner