The italicized parts are spoken (they're from Lolita, by the by).
Oh, and bolded = chorus
All in all, we're using this as a semi-comical screamo song, but you can go ahead and disregard that when critiquing :p.


I Found a Heart in San Francisco

You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style...

I was staring down this west-side street
it the gunman, I the crook,
let's call it "San Francisco"
it missed the heat but had the look.
You chuckled from the gutter,
half-drowned in chowder and sweat;
You loved in only oils and red,
I loved you in a hole in my chest.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.

My aims are shot like muskets,
as soldiers crawl out these veins, this gun
you march them out, and out, and up it

redcoats, every bleeding one
[chorus is always repeated]

Later that year, you were soaked in liqueur
dripped apart, stuffed in a sock.
I'm still smiling as I hang it up,
this is all my fault.
But the fat man, all in reds and furs
was dropped in hell that day
(I would've loved to go with him)
like a lobster in a boiling pot
(but you wouldn't show me the way)
oh how he sang, and sang, and sang!

redcoats, every laughing one
redcoats, every dying one.

I wanted to see a funeral
you wanted to paint the sky
but I never really learned how to follow you
just like you never really knew how to die.
Still, you were ripped out one summer
and left in the bay
by a high-browed girl with an Aryan eye
in a lazy way
I turned to the sea and cresting waves
But they laughed and rolled away
and "so it goes" was all they'd say.
"So it goes" was all they said, they say.


I realize the whole second verse needs revision, and I'm thinking about adding a bridge and /or another Lolita excerpt. Thoughts?
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.