#1
Crit4crit, leave a link.



J/\?|?= JASLS...LOL


Sweetly drenched in sunken
hours, we plunge deeper into
our chests to spoon out honey
for the poor. When things are
cold, and the water has dried
we'll watch our hands window
shop for wedding bells while I
strangle such flimsy
decisions from our throats.

The sirens I left behind, for
another muses eye.
A woman's mane full of a horse's
flame, we ride welcome flags in
the sky, waiting for an ugly reply.
Coasting on an indifference for
the rest of our lives;
'till praying for a notion,
a break for such casual mercy,
sex is a ditch where people are
hiding from a twister, and every
day I regret the moment
I kissed her.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 3, 2008,
#2
Quote by Something_Vague
Crit4crit, leave a link.



J/\?|?= JASLS...LOL


Sweetly drenched in sunken
hours, we plunge deeper into
our chests to spoon out honey
for the poor. When things are
cold, and the water has dried
we'll watch our hands window
shop for wedding bells while I
strangle such flimsy
decisions from our throats.
Rotting can.
rotting can't.
rotting will,
rotting won't.

There's some very nice imagery here, especially the first three lines.


The sirens I left behind, for
another muses eye.
A woman's mane full of a horse's
flame, we ride welcome flags in
the sky, waiting for an ugly reply.
Coasting on an indifference for
the rest of our lives. I wake up
every morning looking for a brand new
grin. Sprung from a greener ground,
heard through a different sound, I love
her so much, I tell myself everyday,
I love her so much. But I tell myself
so many things anyway.

I like the ending. The rest of this seems to be just a bunch of random thoughts.



It seems very scattered about, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Good job creating your own structure here (by having little structure). The way you combined completely different things to create vivid images worked well. Very original piece (it fits the title, and your name for that matter, perfectly).


If you would crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=873110
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by Something_Vague
Crit4crit, leave a link.



J/\?|?= JASLS...LOL


Sweetly drenched in sunken
hours, we plunge deeper into
our chests to spoon out honey
for the poor. When things are
cold, and the water has dried
we'll watch our hands window
shop for wedding bells while I
strangle such flimsy
decisions from our throats.
Rotting can.
rotting can't.
rotting will,
rotting won't.

Loved everything but the last 4. Everything up til those has such a sense of purpose encompassed by your talent for strange imagery. However, the last 4 are just shitty word play. The break off the sense of direction... they generally kill an amazing stanza.


The sirens I left behind, for
another muses eye.
A woman's mane full of a horse's
flame, we ride welcome flags in
the sky, waiting for an ugly reply.
Coasting on an indifference for
the rest of our lives. I wake up
every morning looking for a brand new
grin. Sprung from a greener ground,
heard through a different sound, I love
her so much, I tell myself every way,
I love her so much. But I tell myself
so many things these days.


A woman's mane full of a horse's flame

That line seems to just be there for the image... it doesn't seem to add much that I can latch onto. I hated the way/day rhyme... saw it coming a long time away, and the obviousness of it just ruined the idea for me. I generally didn't like the word play here either.



My main concern for this piece is the word play, frankly it feels like a bullshit gimmick to give the piece "more depth." Let it breathe and let the ideas speak, it will be stronger.

I'd still like your opinions on I=Mv-ft in my sig, but don't bump it just PM me. Or if you don't feel like taking hte extra effort, the latest in my sig would work
#7
The first stanza is very good. The use of imagery is nice... The second one, also. And i loved the way you rhymed, it made each line flow perfectly. Very nice job... I guess i didnt have much to say, but, yes, very good.

Theres a link in my sig, a song, although i dont deserve it...