#1
. thanks
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Wicked Ticket

got a wicked ticket
gonna split it with myself
don’t know if you can tell
but I’m running up a hill
from China to Brazil

a wicked child I was
always crying about the ghosts
what I didn’t know
that you were just supposed
to lay low

this ticket is broken
this ticket is new
this ticket is a placebo
that makes me think this is all real
it’s my achilles’ heel

unwrap a necklace
throw the box in the fire
then like a liar I turn on the tv
and out comes the King
high on something

see how you see me?
you look right through me
and it’s only been hours ago
since we took drugs
they filled my spine

got a wicked ticket
gonna split it with myself
don’t know if you can tell
but I’m running up a hill
from China to Brazil
Last edited by parkt921k at Jun 2, 2008,
#2
Quote by parkt921k
. thanks
__________________________


Wicked Ticket

got a wicked ticket
gonna split it with myself
don’t know if you can tell
but I’m running up a hill
from China to Brazil

A wicked ticket.. Right. I take it that it's not literal, and I'm guessing it's some kind of drug. Alrighty. What's the significance of China and Brazil? Your intentions are clouded.

a wicked child I was
always crying about the ghosts
what I didn’t know
that you were just supposed
to lay low

Where did ghosts come from? Is this your hallucination kicking in? What do you mean by "you were just supposed to lay low?" Your murky beginning gets even more murky. I really don't know where this is going at this point. The flow is somewhat strange in the second half, too.

this ticket is broken
this ticket is new
this ticket is a placebo
that makes me think this is all real
it’s my achilles’ heel

Hmmkay, a new drug and you're tripping on it. The third line is weird.. You should watch how your words accent each other. It has a weird flow going, not because of the amount of syllables, but because of the way it's worded. Like, if you just moved "all" before "this" it may sound better. Or it might go perfectly with your melody.

This sounds like a song, and I don't know how to critique songs. =P


unwrap a necklace
throw the box in the fire
then like a liar I turn on the tv
and out comes the King
high on something

What are you talking about with the necklace? Why are you like a liar when you turn on the tv? Cloudiness ensues.

see how you see me?
you look right through me
and it’s only been hours ago
since we took drugs
they filled my spine

I think you could've omitted "ago." It seems unnecessary.

got a wicked ticket
gonna split it with myself
don’t know if you can tell
but I’m running up a hill
from China to Brazil


This is interesting.. on its own, I don't think it can hold its ground. But if you put a killer rock track behind it, I could see this being awesome. I imagine this in a Black Sabbath idiom. Pretty nifty. Thanks for your critique, and I hope this crit helps.