#1
im lying on the cross where you left me
waiting for you to drive the nails
your sword hangs above my head
while i wait fearful and pale
you have the final judgement
the gavel is in your hand
slam it down with a crushing finality
and give some relief to an anxious man


i decided not to make a full song out of this one.im just going to speak it at the end of an instrumental
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#3
Although it was a powerful setting, I think it lacked any originality. Right now it just reads as a comparison between Jesus and yourself. Whereas, I think it would work better if it was a comparison between yourself and Jesus. If that makes any sense to you?

That being said, I liked the last line. Hard hitting and relatable.
#4
This looks more like an ending than a completed piece.
I'd really like to hear more of the story leading up to this.
Or perhaps this could be a beginning, though it would be tricky to pull that off.



im lying on the cross where you left me
waiting for you to drive the nails
cliche, but it works.
your sword hangs above my head
while i wait fearful and pale
this ^ is the weakest line of the eight.
partly because of the repetition of wait from line two.

you have the final judgement *judgment
the gavel is in your hand
slam it down with a crushing finality
and give some relief to an anxious man
the last two lines seem ever-so-slightly wordy.
it might bang a bit harder if you delete it and a in the seventh
and and and some in the eighth.

you might even choose to change the sixth
to have it linked more dependently with the last two.
with gavel in hand would become a clause rather than a statement.
i'm not certain it's what you're going for,
but it changes the complexion in an interesting way.
the fifth becomes more independent.
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#5
Agree with SYK, about useing "wait" two times in a row makes it more forced.
I like the mood you build up. Think it is a good idea with just have it as spoken words.
Would like to hear the song, if you record it :-)
#6
to someoneyouknew:

it is judgement,im irish and thats how we spell it here
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<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial