#1
Contrasting with my other pieces, this one is more "musical" so to speak. I believe it has some flow. It's supposed to be a fast-tempo indie rock song, kind of Arctic Monkey's Brianstorm just to have a small idea. Tell me what you think.

[Verse 1]
Now it’s time
To drive away and free your mind,
Cause all the moments were sublime,
But now it’s time to stand and fight.

[Verse 2]
Drive away,
Tomorrow’s just another day,
Cause all the time he made you pay
The things you say, it’s just not great...

[Chorus 1]
Now, all the past is meant to be forgotten
Clear out the trash, and take all that you’ve got, and
Leave all the rest rotting in the garden
Where you sold your soul, but now you got that back.

[Verse 3]
Tomorrow
You promised you’d forget all the sorrows.
You give back everything that you borrowed,
Cause tomorrow’s redemption day.

[Verse 4]
Free yourself.
Let go past in a dusty shelf,
You felt you were living in a cell,
So free yourself and go to hell!

[Chorus 2]
Stop complaining! There are sicker lives.
If you’re listening then stop the victimize.
Everything’s breaking in, uncover all your lies,
Cause you’re on the run and we’re after your soul.

Guitar Solo

[Verse 5]
Run away,
Cause tomorrow’s just become today;
Today you’re on the road to find your way,
So run away and feel the pain.

[Verse 6]
Find a home.
Does it hurt to feel that you’re all alone?
There’s no one else to hear you when you moan,
So find a throne to sit alone.

[Chorus 3]
Signs are passing, you’ll deny your defeat;
Your mind’s crashing, but you say you won’t quit;
Your car’s speeding, it’s too late to retreat.
What will you do with the corpse on the back seat?
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jun 2, 2008,
#3
[Verse 1]
Now it’s time
To drive away and free your mind
Cause all the moments were sublime
But now it’s time to stand and fight

[Verse 2]
Drive away
Tomorrow’s just another day
Cause all the time he made you pay
3 rhymes in row seem odd, when there was only two in the first verse

The things you say it’s just not great
makeing the 4th line not fit in with the flow, imo


[Chorus 1]
Now all the past is meant to be forgotten
Maybe not use "all the past" but just "the past" or "all from the past"
Clear out the trash and take all that you’ve got and
Leave all the rest rotting in the garden
Where you sold your soul but now you got that back

[Verse 3]
Tomorrow
Might just be my lack of imagination, but I can't find the flow here, with the one word line :-)
You promised you’d forget all the sorrows
You give back everything that you borrowed
Cause tomorrow’s redemption day
Maybe not use so manny rhymes and words with "orrow"

(...)
[Chorus 3]
Signs are passing you’ll deny your defeat
Your mind’s crashing but you say you won’t quit
Your car’s speeding it’s too late to retreat
What will you do with the corpse on the back seat?
Cool with that suddenly ending, letting yourself figure out what to do


I like the idea and theme, but I miss that you have a form, like AABC ABAB ect. (Might just be me, who's way too old school). Some places you use the same word or words very alike a bit too much, imo. But with alittle rewriting I think it could turn up to be kick-as# :-)
Last edited by averagejoepoet at Jun 2, 2008,