#1
Advert for me posted on the rear wall
of a public toilet; although my looks are
chiseled and my eyes intimidating/persuasive,
I can't help but keep thinking of the
juxtaposition.

I woke up the other morning with a curry tummy;
it pulled and punched me inside out,
made me wretch a little. Or was that love?
You did make the jokes about the bahjees,
called me cute/sweet/sickly so. Or so.

I paraphrased her the other night too -
"Does this fat look like a dress?" -
to my friends and we put on the
canned laughter. Wit to end act one.

Are you afraid of showing off your body on the beach?

Notebook still lay on the table;
she read out each passage of
meaningless drivel, page after
page after page after page after
page, her eyes flicking from side
to side to side to side to side like
those of a bewildered prey being
toyed with by the hunter, subtly
mocking the intelligence of the
creature before going in for the kill.

Some Pre-Adults scrawled "TWAT"
above my bright eyes. Glad they did that.
Now you can read yourself like a book,

right off the top of my head.


C4C, buds. I owes a few guyss and girlss.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 3, 2008,
#3
So,

This was a great read. I loved reading it, it just flowed off the tongue and the techniques and wit within it were stellar. But I have no clue what point it made. To be honest, I don't care either... I'll be re-reading this one a lot because it was just FUN to read. Good work here.

Yeah, you already saw my latest... I'd love to hear the thoughts though.
#4
I thought this was a pretty bad read. Little unity in my eyes from stanza to stanza, teenage wit that seemed easy for you, and a '/' thing that is totally below you. On top of that I absolutely despised the flow. I could barely get through it all because of the inconsistency of syllables in words from line to line and the abrupt enjambment which you generally get upset at me for using. And whats the deal with all the end-stops? So yea, phrases forced (Pre-Adults? really?), disunity, un-profound wit (that I didnt find all that witty), choppyness of flow, and lack of an ability to censor some lines that I believe had no place in with the rest of the piece all made me not care to see any deeper meaning within this piece that I would otherwise look for and comment on. Some of your imagery was pretty cool though.

Jamie.
#5
Advert for me posted on the rear wall
of a public toilet; although my looks are
chiseled and my eyes intimidating/persuasive,
I can't help but keep thinking of the
juxtaposition.

This started awkwardly IMO. I can't find a reason for why you wouldn't start with 'There's' or something similar. It'd just make this feel more together and less choppy. I'd stick with either intimidating OR persuasive. The latter sounds a lot better to me. But if you really want them both, use something other than / to divide them. I think the juxtaposition comment may have something to do with that but I'm not sure. Regardless, it seems tacky, indecisive and ultimately amatuerish and unpoetic.

I woke up the other morning with a curry tummy;
it pulled and punched me from the inside out,
made me wretch a little. Or was that love?
You did make the jokes about the bahjees,
called me cute/sweet/sickly so. Or so.

On first read 'curry' struck me as out of place. I've read it through a few times now and I like it more. I really don't understand the last line, and I hate the / bit. I'm lost as to the reason for the 'or so.' But meh.


I paraphrased her the other night too -
"Does this fat look like a dress?" -
to my friends and we put on the
canned laughter. Wit to end act one.
Here comes the improvisation of
ten ten-thousand dollar creative
visions. Ten minutes of briefcase
leering. Ten we can continue.

The first half of this beautifully amusing. It is very clever and hilarious. I don't get the last half though. I'm trying to understand it... but I don't. Especially the last line. Oh, wait... is 'ten' like a play on 'then' (last line)?


Are you afraid of showing off your body on the beach?

Yes, I am . This stood strongly on its own.


Notebook still lay on the table;
she read out each passage of
meaningless drivel, page after
page after page after page after
page, her eyes flicking from side
to side to side to side to side like
those of a bewildered prey being
toyed with by the hunter, subtly
mocking the intelligence of the
creature before going in for the kill.

'Meaningless drivel' irks me. It's... I wouldn't say cliche... but... there's something out of place about it. I'm sceptical about the simile here. I can't quite get why she'd look like prey before a hunter while reading a notebook. Unless, it's some sort of frightening novel, or its some horrible stuff about her. It's all a bit muddy, I think.

Some Pre-Adults scrawled "TWAT"
above my bright eyes. Glad they did that.
Now you can read yourself like a book,

I don't like 'Pre-adults'. It's quite awkward and doesn't really clarify much in terms of imagery. It's not really specific, or endearing. Also, 'bright eyes' felt funny. It's an odd term to describe yourself with, especially in a toilet.

right off the top of my head.

Despite my misgivings towards other bits of the piece, I found this an awesome ending, and overall I actually thoroughly enjoyed the piece. I just think it could be better worded. Your idea is great.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
Haha thanks guyss.

Dyl - This was written for a reader completely opposite to you But thankyou for getting to it, means a lot that you did <3

Zachy- Thanks, I will get back to you.

Nate - Ten/then, yeah. I think you missed the point of th enotebook stanza though. Thanks, I presume you have something up? I'll go looking.

Cheers seventh angel as well.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Advert for me posted on the rear wall
of a public toilet; although my looks are
chiseled and my eyes intimidating/persuasive,
I can't help but keep thinking of the
juxtaposition.

I liked this beginning. It's a new idea and it seemed honest and interesting. It's Mike Gale-esque, which is always good! My only problem would be that the last line ends to short. I'd either put the word up a line, or else add a few more words on to it.

I woke up the other morning with a curry tummy;
it pulled and punched me from the inside out,
made me wretch a little. Or was that love?
You did make the jokes about the bahjees,
called me cute/sweet/sickly so. Or so.

That first line is perfect. I'm not sure if the 'from the' in the second line is needed, but regardless, it sounds great, what with that rhythm in the last line/sentence.

I paraphrased her the other night too -
"Does this fat look like a dress?" -
to my friends and we put on the
canned laughter. Wit to end act one.
Here comes the improvisation of
ten ten-thousand dollar creative
visions. Ten minutes of briefcase
leering. Ten we can continue.

Again, I love the beginning of this stanza. It's good to see wit in poetry, too. Yet, I don't think the last 4 lines are needed. It seems to waver off a bit at their expense, whereas before it was direct and kept my concentration. However, in getting rid of those lines, you miss the pun of puns in the last sentence.

Are you afraid of showing off your body on the beach?

I'd put this in brackets. It seems like an aside or sorts and doesn't fit in with the rest of it (to me, anyway!).

Notebook still lay on the table;
she read out each passage of
meaningless drivel, page after
page after page after page after
page, her eyes flicking from side
to side to side to side to side like
those of a bewildered prey being
toyed with by the hunter, subtly
mocking the intelligence of the
creature before going in for the kill.

I loved the formatting of this. Spot on. Ended right where it needed to, too.


Some Pre-Adults scrawled "TWAT"
above my bright eyes. Glad they did that.
Now you can read yourself like a book,

right off the top of my head.

Superb ending. Let me just get it straight, though, is it supposed to be scathing? If so, I get it/love it. If not, oops.

C4C, buds. I owes a few guyss and girlss.


Anyway, I have to tell you that this is my favourite piece I've ever read by you. There are very few problems with it and it's original and funny and sounds how a poem should sound. That said, it's actually the best poem I've read in ages. It reminded me of my poem 'De-tachment' , which you must be proud of
#8
Wow, thanks man. That may have made my day.

I wasn't sure too on the extremeties in S3, I feel I may take that out after it's been picked up on quite a bit. The seperate line afterwards I wouldn't put in brackets, though, it's supposed to be as stand-out as it is. (I've been reading Ben Elton's popcorn, that line's inspiration).

Yes, the ending is supposed be a scatching comment

Thanks again, I mean, wow.
#9
Overall I enjoyed reading this piece. However there were a few words that didn't sit well with me. First of all, the pharase "I can't help but keep thinking of the juxtapostion" should read "..help but TO keep thinking". Also there's just something about the word juxtaposition that it doesn't feel right to me here. Maybe because I'm not used to seeing the word, but it just feels too far removed from the language of the rest of the piece. Also There really doesn't seem to be much unity in the first stanza. In the second stanza, I'm not really feeling the phrase "curry tummy". Why can't you just say "stomachache?" The rest of the stanza are good and I especially enjoyed Notebook stanza. However in the last stanza the phrase "Pre-Adults" is really awkward. Why not jsut say "teenagers" is something. Also there are a million words better than TWAT that you could've used. Anyways, sorry for the harhsness, but I did enjoy it overall, there were just a few spots that I think could be improved on.
#10
Advert for me posted on the rear wall
of a public toilet; although my looks are
chiseled and my eyes intimidating/persuasive,
I can't help but keep thinking of the
juxtaposition.


I'm not usually a fan of mostly unrhyming poetry unless its profound nature can overpower the fact that it doesn't have rhythmic qualities, so I guess I'm biased when I say that this didn't stick out to me. I did, however, like the line "although my looks are chisled" because of the imagery it creates, and the "intimidating/persuasive" because it really adds character and voice to the piece. I don't think I would change much about this (except for the things previously stated, like putting a "there" before the first line); it's just not my style. Plus the meaning is a bit ambigious, which continues on throughout the piece.

I woke up the other morning with a curry tummy;
it pulled and punched me inside out,
made me wretch a little. Or was that love?
You did make the jokes about the bahjees,
called me cute/sweet/sickly so. Or so.


I disagree with those who didn't like your wording of "curry tummy". I think it continues to spice the piece up, no pun intended, and it makes it unique. Again, the meaning is quite unclear, unless it isn't meant to have specific meaning. But I suppose the use of the word "bahjees" adds to the confusion, so maybe find a synonym. And the so's at the end get quite confusing, but with a revision and adding of clarity, this could be a strong stanza.


I paraphrased her the other night too -
"Does this fat look like a dress?" -
to my friends and we put on the
canned laughter. Wit to end act one.


Favorite stanza so far. No complaints. I liked the joke and the last line.

Are you afraid of showing off your body on the beach?

I'm sure this woman you describe in the poem is. Though simple, it's profound. No complaints.

Notebook still lay on the table;
she read out each passage of
meaningless drivel, page after
page after page after page after
page, her eyes flicking from side
to side to side to side to side like
those of a bewildered prey being
toyed with by the hunter, subtly
mocking the intelligence of the
creature before going in for the kill.


Perfect description of how some people judge art, and written art, especially. I can relate.

Some Pre-Adults scrawled "TWAT"
above my bright eyes. Glad they did that.
Now you can read yourself like a book,

right off the top of my head.


Use of the word "twat" raises the target audience by a few years, so maybe find a milder word so more people can enjoy the poem. I like the "pre-adult" wording; "teenagers" would've been much too common. "Glad they did that" confuses me a bit, as I wonder why in the world you would enjoy someone writing "twat" above your eyes. Kind of reminds me of Garden State though. And the last two lines seem like they could make an interesting point but, once again, the meaning was lost to me.

Lack of clarity seems to be the main problem here, but I enjoy your creativity and I don't doubt that you can eventually find a balance between understandable and artistic.

Thanks for the comment on my song btw.
#11
originality points here are pretty high Jammy, but the cohesiveness i felt was a little lacking, I was just waiting for all this to come together, but it didn't for me. Just seems like a lot of scattered thoughts, that on there own actually work pretty well, but in this format, don't relate to the whole. I just feel like it needs some revising, and could be really good. Mad props on that longer stanza....really was solid.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jun 5, 2008,
#12
ye shall not fadeth quite yet, King James.
thee shall receive a critteth. from helleth.
muah ha ha ha. eth.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.