#1
What if, you were in a car crash?
Six dead, you lost your life.
Your head, now has a huge gash,
Cut open by the surgical knife.

You try to fight, try to fight for your life,
But, you know it's too late, so don't hesitate
to die in bed, dye it red, head bled dry and dead, to my dread
as I said, I know you're gone, but you know I can't move on
I know that it'd be wrong,
`cause I've known you for so long.

They say, that you're in a coma,
Some feat, that you survived.
Still there's that bloody aroma.
It's a miracle that you're alive.

How did you live, were you somehow giv-
en back your life, from that strife? When you
hit that train, hit your brain, blood stains still remain, through the pain.
But I should refrain, from this celebration, cause I know that it's too soon.
All I know is I'd be ruin,
If you left me for the stars.
Damn that car!
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.
#2
There is a messge there and its obivious that someone you are close to got hit by a train and is barely alive its a very moving piece but the rhyming seems forced in the second stanza if you can fix that you will have a great song
#6
Yeah, this one is a bit rythmically clunky. I guess I could argue it is sort of Bob Dylan ish in that some of it is fairly spoken, and one of the closer times I'll ever get to rap(but not the closest). It is a bit more smooth sounding as a song than as lyrics. And all those comma's are sor sort of to try to get the flow of the song. I have other much more rhythmic pieces like "A fellow named Odd". Actually, this is part of a 3-part rock opera I'm working on.
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.
Last edited by Bryan C at Jun 2, 2008,
#8
It was alright. I love free verse lyrical stuff, but this just..didn't hit me very strong.

I like what was trying to be done, but it needs work.

You can crit mine, Live on. but whatever.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter