#1
I would love to get some feedback on this song. i also need a title
Criticism is allways welcome


When I see you my heart skips a beat

All I want is you next to me

I’ve got so many things to say

But I’m afraid they’ll be said in some stupid way


You walked by me one late afternoon

Dancing in the brightest moon

I thought I knew what to say

But I stopped and turned and just walked away


(chorus)
With your smile so sweet

And a laugh so discrete

You make me feel incomplete

But my heart beats a retreat


Don’t know the one thing about love

But you’re all I’ve been thinking of

Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same

But you maybe think that it’s just a game
#2
its very cliche and unoriginal. its good to get your thoughts out on paper/computer though.

edit: sorry my post isnt very helpful but i dont know what else to say... :/
#3
Not saying I would do better, and the general idea is good, however the rhyming seems forced. Like you couldn't think of a rhyme and finally did then changed the line to work with the word just because it rhymed. IDK if you will get what I am saying.
#4
Also, try and focus the piece more. The 'late afternoon' and 'brightest moon' doesn't make sense to me, and:

Don’t know the one thing about love

But you’re all I’ve been thinking of


is an example of good rhyme technique because the words aren't exact.. "love/dove".
Consider changing the first line of that to " don't know one thing about love."
Unless you specify 'the' thing.

Good luck!
#6
please read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum.


*reported*
Meadows
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