#1
VERSE 1
relay this to high command-
your hero's dead by my own hand
ive changed his blood for chlorine
and sold his pride for cheap machines

CHORUS
these are the sleepless words you drempt
turning your eyes inside out
spinning the room around bottles and scars
coughing up regret

VERSE 2
Tell this to your trusted friend-
theres no such thing as a happy end
enclosed is burdened correspondence
post marked past prime relevance

CHORUS

VERSE 3
bleed this though you megaphone-
no one gets what they are owed
the Just die young and half crazed
the Good earn love by digging graves


C4C as always kids
#2
The two opening lines are killer, they sound like a comment some sort of badass warrior guy would make to the last surviving member of an army he just slaughtered, haha. "Changed his blood for chlorine" is a really cool image too, and it's left open for interpretation as to the exact meaning which is always neat to see. The chorus is strong as well, "coughing up regret" is a really heavy-hitting line that sorta makes you think. Second verse is also good, just "Tell this to your trusted friend, there's no such thing as a happy end" sounds a LITTLE bit like a your typical rhyming-cliche type of deal, but it's still not too bad at all. Last verse is another strong one, "bleed this through your megaphone" is probably my favorite line in the song. Great stuff overall, I think you're a really creative and deep-thinking songwriter.
#4
Quote by ChordMonger
VERSE 1
relay this to high command-
your hero's dead by my own hand
i've changed his blood for chlorine
(exchanged?) also I think there should be something before chlorine, just a short adjective to keep the flow up.
and sold his pride for cheap machines

Very cool verse, makes an exciting intro to the song.

CHORUS
these are the sleepless words you drempt
Sleepless and dreamt seem to be too contradictory here.
turning your eyes inside out
spinning the room around bottles and scars
coughing up regret


VERSE 2
Tell this to your trusted friend-
theres no such thing as a happy end
enclosed is burdened correspondence
post marked past prime relevance

Nice rhyme between friend and end.

CHORUS

VERSE 3
bleed this though you megaphone-
no one gets what they are owed
the Just die young and half crazed
the Good earn love by digging graves

I like everything about this verse, very well done.


C4C as always kids


The intro was the most exciting part for me, which isn't usually a good thing, but the rest was still interesting and it held my attention. Images such as "bleed this through your megaphone" really spice the whole thing up.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Thanks for critiqueing mine. I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to actually disecting songs and the who c4c thing is only now becoming clear to me, but I'll try.

VERSE 1
relay this to high command-
your hero's dead by my own hand
I love the flow and quirckyness of these first two lines. make me think of something Dire Strates would do. I especially like the subtle touch of internal rhyming. I assume the clunky spacing is absent in song form.
ive changed his blood for chlorine
and sold his pride for cheap machines
Yeah, ambigous, but cool. Is the last line a hint at maybe a mercenary or hitman being paid in weapons?

CHORUS
these are the sleepless words you drempt
turning your eyes inside out
spinning the room around bottles and scars
coughing up regret
This is only a restless nightmare it seems... yet it was caused by your own real one.

VERSE 2
Tell this to your trusted friend-
theres no such thing as a happy end
enclosed is burdened correspondence
post marked past prime relevance
Is this an inderect way of saying you bear bad news, and now that they're dead it is too late; they're dead? correspondence and relevance a bit weak a rhyme, i think.
CHORUS

VERSE 3
bleed this though you megaphone-
no one gets what they are owed
the Just die young and half crazed
the Good earn love by digging graves
Now here's a point to make? you only get love because any rivals have all died?

I guess It is hard for me to critique, when I want to analyze and disect. But I hope I helped. Cool song. Indirect.
I'm a pianist and a poet,
and someday the world will know it
But until then all that I can do
is play my songs for you.

Wallflower says: Thank You! But my friend Odd is, well, feeling odd.
#8
dude awsome man first stanza is breath taking. awsome work man! 7/10

check mine out? whats wrong with me
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#9
the images i get in my mind when reading this are crazy. You've got some good songs...but when i actually heard the one on ur bans myspace, it wasnt my type of music. nonetheless, it's GREAT.
#10
Quote by Patty-cakez
the images i get in my mind when reading this are crazy. You've got some good songs...but when i actually heard the one on ur bans myspace, it wasnt my type of music. nonetheless, it's GREAT.


thanks man!
im guessing youre into a heavier sort of music
writing those type of riffs just isnt in me
still, many many thanks for the comment
we'll hopefully have more songs up soon
(and if any of your friends are into the type of music were making, feel free to tell them to give us a listen )

~b
#11
Quote by ChordMonger
VERSE 1
relay this to high command-
your hero's dead by my own hand
As stated previously pretty sweet start to the song
ive changed his blood for chlorine
Personally I wasn't to sure of this line, chlorine represents (to me anyway) something that filters and cleans a dirty substance, so its almost like you were cleansing him? probably just me though i love pools haha
and sold his pride for cheap machines
Solid line.

CHORUS
these are the sleepless words you drempt
turning your eyes inside out
spinning the room around bottles and scars
coughing up regret
Love the raw emotion in this one, it makes you feel the pain

VERSE 2
Tell this to your trusted friend-
theres no such thing as a happy end
enclosed is burdened correspondence
post marked past prime relevance
Not sure what it is, but when I read this it just flows out, brilliant structured stanza for a song.
CHORUS

VERSE 3
bleed this though you megaphone-
no one gets what they are owed
the Just die young and half crazed
the Good earn love by digging graves
The first line is really good, the 2nd and 3rd didn't have as much of an effect on me as the rest of the song, but I definitly like the ending line.


Overall it's pretty solid. In my opinion it describes the state the worlds in right now pretty well. Definitly something I'd like to hear.

If you wanted to c4c you can, (How it feels in my sig), if your busy and can't though honestly don't worry about.
▼▲
Quote by shdowfox17
awesome avatar,denn0069!
Quote by Valo
The most truth I've heard in the pit.
ever.
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#13
I agree with Billjson. Put in "exchanged". Other than that, I love it. This is a really cool song. I find myself envious!
#14
Wow your rhyming ability is really impeccable. You seem to make everything fit in and make sense while you rhyme. Favorite line is the last one "the digging graves", it really is great to end the song. Great rhyming ability and symbolism top to bottom. Did not expect the song to be sung like that would've expected faster/harder, but still good.