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#1
Well, I have a story here for my creative writing course, I was hoping that the pit could give me some feedback on it.

It's fairly long, so don't go all "tl;dr" on me. If you don't read the whole thing, just read a paragraph and leave a comment.

Don't worry so much about grammar, punctuation and spelling, I'll be fixing that stuff as you read this, I'm just concerned about the plot, the characters, the inticacies of the story.

Tl;dr to the above? Read my story, leave some feedback.

Update: Story taken off so I don't get done for plagarism or anything.

Chur.
Last edited by lolcats at Jun 5, 2008,
#6
Quote by King Krapp
Can you give me a genre so I know if i want to read it

Short story.

We aren't supposed to write in clear genres like horror or comedy or sci-fi, so it's a short story.
#7
Was that the whole thing?
It didn't seem that long

I though it was pretty good, but I'm not a fan of that particular style of writing so I can't really compare it to anything.
I was reading in fear of a full-on feminist ramble popping up at any given moment though
#8
Quote by Retro Rocker
I was reading in fear of a full-on feminist ramble popping up at any given moment though

Ha, yeah, the narrator certainly doesn't like men, is it quite obvious that she's a woman though? I tried to leave it ambiguous. Not many people I've shown it to picked up on it though.
#9
Pretty interesting story. Provided a good read, thanks.

Maybe add some more descriptive words/similes/metaphors.

Excellent.
#10
Quote by lotsofvolume
Pretty interesting story. Provided a good read, thanks.

Maybe add some more descriptive words/similes/metaphors.

Excellent.

Yay!

I'm unsure about the ending, I had no idea where I was going with it mid way through. I finished writing it after a chat with my tutor and I'm still a little wary of it.

Any other thoughts?

Anyone?

*cricket*
#11
Quote by lolcats
Ha, yeah, the narrator certainly doesn't like men, is it quite obvious that she's a woman though? I tried to leave it ambiguous. Not many people I've shown it to picked up on it though.

It wasn't obvious at first, but from the 4th paragraph onwards I just got that feminine feeling.
#12
A good read. It's a bit late for me to be analyzing anything properly, but I enjoyed the perspective of the narrator. Personal experience, perhaps? Good use of language to keep the narrator somewhat vague in the mind's eye. Feminist overtones abound.

The repeated use of the word "sterile" in the third paragraph sends a great image to the reader.

Only small error I noticed was the second sentence: it's a fragment. A very minor flaw if anything, literary effect aside.

I approve.
Back to the classic avatar.

Quote by KISSguitarist
You are the best writer ever Graybass. Sig me for that. But i love you! You should make a book!

Quote by Phil_Bass_Boy
Jesus christ, your avatar is the best I have seen in my life.

Quote by mh400nt
Graybass_20x6 has a better avatar than you
#13
Quote by graybass_20x6
A good read. It's a bit late for me to be analyzing anything properly, but I enjoyed the perspective of the narrator. Personal experience, perhaps? Good use of language to keep the narrator somewhat vague in the mind's eye. Feminist overtones abound.

The repeated use of the word "sterile" in the third paragraph sends a great image to the reader.

Only small error I noticed was the second sentence: it's a fragment. A very minor flaw if anything, literary effect aside.

I approve.

Coolies.

Yeah, I should make a disclaimer...


Disclaimer: Not written from personal experience as:

a) I am not a woman
b) I am not gay
c) I was not sexually abused as a child

Just so no one goes and calls the cops on my family or anything..
#14
Quote by lolcats
Coolies.

Yeah, I should make a disclaimer...


Disclaimer: Not written from personal experience as:

a) I am not a woman
b) I am not gay
c) I was not sexually abused as a child

Just so no one goes and calls the cops on my family or anything..


Nah, I only ask because it's become such a courtesy to ask where one gathers inspiration for a work. Personal experience is just a natural presumption.
Back to the classic avatar.

Quote by KISSguitarist
You are the best writer ever Graybass. Sig me for that. But i love you! You should make a book!

Quote by Phil_Bass_Boy
Jesus christ, your avatar is the best I have seen in my life.

Quote by mh400nt
Graybass_20x6 has a better avatar than you
#15
Quote by graybass_20x6
Nah, I only ask because it's become such a courtesy to ask where one gathers inspiration for a work. Personal experience is just a natural presumption.


Sheeet, I hope not, because if that's so, the people who read my stories probably think I'm a schitzo ADHD freak
#16
Quote by King Krapp
Sheeet, I hope not, because if that's so, the people who read my stories probably think I'm a schitzo ADHD freak

*slowly steps away from King Krapp*
#17
You could post this in the Songwriting and Lyrics forum for some answers from people who know more about this kind of thing.
<Han> I love Hitler
#18
Quote by lolcats
*slowly steps away from King Krapp*


*facepalms*
You read it, didn't you. *shakes head*
#19
Quote by HaKattack
You could post this in the Songwriting and Lyrics forum for some answers from people who know more about this kind of thing.

But it's not technically about songs or lyrics, you know that some twat is just gonna report it until it's gone.
#20
Quote by Retro Rocker
But it's not technically about songs or lyrics, you know that some twat is just gonna report it until it's gone.

We'll e-beat him up if he does.

Shall we start a writing thread in the pit? Because songwriting and lyrics covers poetry and prose, but there's nowhere for stories.
#21
Quote by lolcats
We'll e-beat him up if he does.

Shall we start a writing thread in the pit? Because songwriting and lyrics covers poetry and prose, but there's nowhere for stories.


That would be really awesome! I have written a large number of brain-rapes (some like to call them stories) that I would love to get comments and constructive crit on. Because nobody freaking looks at my deviantart page.
#22
There are some grammar issues, and your writing style doesn't sound very sophisticated.

For example:

Scurrying about, caught up in their
own lives, spending days doing things that neither interest nor affect me.
Perhaps they see everyone else walking with a purpose and think that they
should at least appear to be going somewhere important. Maybe there is only
one person who actually has someplace important to get to and everyone else
is just imitating them.


Businessmen
give rushed looks at their cheap watches as they power walk to their
train


There are so many better ways to write those parts and make them a lot more interesting. What you're saying isn't bad, but the way you write it seems juvenile and unrefined... it seems obvious that you are in high school.


[EDIT]:

While I'm not saying you're wrong, because I may be mistaken, but I'm not sure that molasses billows.

Also, I think that for a short story, there wasn't really much action at all. This was more a revelation into the personality and past of the narrator than an actual plot or story.

None of this is anything you can't fix, but I think that once you revise this piece, it will be much better.
The medium is the message!
Last edited by The Rambler at Jun 3, 2008,
#23
Quote by The Rambler
it seems obvious that you are in high school.

O rli?

Check my profile page.
#24
Oh, king krapp, get some stories ready, I'll post the link to the page in here when it's up.
#25
Quote by lolcats
O rli?

Check my profile page.

In that case, it sounds like you're in high school.
The medium is the message!
#26
Quote by lolcats
Oh, king krapp, get some stories ready, I'll post the link to the page in here when it's up.

Stories ready and waiting, admiral.
#27
there wasent anything that made me want to carry on reading it, it started out like it was describing a scene but it carried on and i got bored. you need some action in there, you need to add a high point to the story. build up a discription of the carchtor, then the enviroment and increas it into some important event. then again i love reading sci fi and fantesy so im biased.
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#28
Quote by sirrjj
there wasent anything that made me want to carry on reading it, it started out like it was describing a scene but it carried on and i got bored. you need some action in there, you need to add a high point to the story. build up a discription of the carchtor, then the enviroment and increas it into some important event. then again i love reading sci fi and fantesy so im biased.

What you're saying isn't exclusive to sci-fi/fantasy. What the writer needs is a plot... a rising action, a climax, a denoument... all that good stuff.
The medium is the message!
#29
yes i agree but some stories dont have that and i dont read them much
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#30
Right. The Climax doesn't have to be epic, but it needs to be there.
The medium is the message!
#31
I enjoy watching people in the city.

Good opening sentence I thought.
Clutching briefcases full of nothing and umbrellas to protect them from water.

I assume you mean rain. Try not to be too vague.
Scurrying about, caught up in their own lives, spending days doing things that neither interest nor affect me.

So why are you watching them then?
Perhaps they see everyone else walking with a purpose and think that they should at least appear to be going somewhere important. Maybe there is only one person who actually has some place important to get to and everyone else is just imitating them.

This bit sounds a bit sloppy. Try being more descriptive and less vague again.
A particularly good people spotting point is the train station.

A bit of a messy sentence. Consider revising
Businessmen give rushed looks at their cheap watches as they power walk to their
train. One foot on the ground at all times, else they appear flustered. Powerful
people don’t run.

Better description in this bit, but that second sentence doesn't make a lot of sense.
They try their best to appear eager to return home to sterile walls, sterile
sheets and sterile glances from sterile wives, transformed by something they
are unfamiliar with; childbirth, menopause, life. They’re no longer the fun women
they married but a cold, bitter apparatus used for cooking, cleaning and the rare
incidence of mandatory sex. Both of them always assumed the point of life was to
reproduce. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Really liked this bit. Very descriptive and emotive.


I don't have a lot of time to critique the whole thing but if you want some advice I will happily PM you with some help.

Hope what I've said so far is of any use to you.

What I will say is this: I would advice that you work on grammar/spelling before posting even a rough draft. It just looks more professional to people who are critiquing it and it makes commenting on it that much easier. Not to mention more enjoyable to read.
Official member of the "UG Senior Citizens Club For People Over 21"
********
Official member of the "UG Fat Chicks Appreciation Club" (Yeah, no one will probably follow...)

Last edited by Heid at Jun 3, 2008,
#32
I'm quite the writer myself, I'm gonna start reading it now

EDIT: Read over for grammar. Too much detail, little happening really bored me. I know that you may think it's important, and in fact, it is. However, you really need to know where to draw a line so you can get a right mix.

However, I've written by share of shit pieces, it's all about improving

Your writing isn't bad, it's how it's down on paper which is bad. Sorry dude!
Last edited by Craigo at Jun 3, 2008,
#33
i like my version better

I enjoy watching people in the city. Clutching briefcases full of nothing
and umbrellas to protect them from water. Scurrying about, caught up in their
own lives, spending days doing things that neither interest nor affect me.
Perhaps they see everyone else walking with a purpose and think that they
should at least appear to be going somewhere important. Maybe there is only
one person who actually has someplace important to get to and everyone else
is just imitating them.

"i know what ille do!"
she stands up
"IM CHARGING MAI LAZER!!!!!!!!!1111111ONEONETWOELEVEN"

suddenly the station erupted in flames as a gaint lazor beem ripped through it. people ran in every direction screming as the heat seard there fleash from the bones the inferno of heat melted the trains and the energy beam was bright enough to be seen from space. the energy involved was so great it tore hole in the fabric of space and time bringing forth the great lol wut pear who trampled through the city destroying buildings and terror spreaded through the city.

but somone from the INTERNETZ saw the lol wut pear and knew what to do he called .........
chuck norris. then out of nowere he appear and gave roundhouse kick so powerfull it re ripped the hole in space and time and sent the pear back to where it came from. then he disapPEARrd.

then the lazer woman got back on the only ramining train as it departed and reflected on what she had done.

send this in you will get ten out of ten for originality she probably dosent know about them.
✠ ☠ ✠
RIP Ronnie James Dio


Fendi Shoes is actually extremely advantageous.
#34
Quote by sirrjj
i like my version better

I enjoy watching people in the city. Clutching briefcases full of nothing
and umbrellas to protect them from water. Scurrying about, caught up in their
own lives, spending days doing things that neither interest nor affect me.
Perhaps they see everyone else walking with a purpose and think that they
should at least appear to be going somewhere important. Maybe there is only
one person who actually has someplace important to get to and everyone else
is just imitating them.

"i know what ille do!"
she stands up
"IM CHARGING MAI LAZER!!!!!!!!!1111111ONEONETWOELEVEN"

suddenly the station erupted in flames as a gaint lazor beem ripped through it. people ran in every direction screming as the heat seard there fleash from the bones the inferno of heat melted the trains and the energy beam was bright enough to be seen from space. the energy involved was so great it tore hole in the fabric of space and time bringing forth the great lol wut pear who trampled through the city destroying buildings and terror spreaded through the city.

but somone from the INTERNETZ saw the lol wut pear and knew what to do he called .........
chuck norris. then out of nowere he appear and gave roundhouse kick so powerfull it re ripped the hole in space and time and sent the pear back to where it came from. then he disapPEARrd.

then the lazer woman got back on the only ramining train as it departed and reflected on what she had done.

send this in you will get ten out of ten for originality she probably dosent know about them.

I'd definitely work on your grammar before you submit a draft next time. Although I like some of the descriptive parts in there. I also really enjoyed how you've captured the essence of 'the lazer'.



Really good work.
#35
Quote by graybass_20x6

The repeated use of the word "sterile" in the third paragraph sends a great image to the reader.

+1

Twas a good read. And you maintained the feeling all throughout the piece.
Quote by Jackal58
Nothing is stranger than being anonymous.
#36
Quote by kikaykitko
+1

Twas a good read. And you maintained the feeling all throughout the piece.

Choice. As a woman, did it seem believable? Or a tad ott?
#37
Quote by lolcats
I'd definitely work on your grammar before you submit a draft next time. Although I like some of the descriptive parts in there. I also really enjoyed how you've captured the essence of 'the lazer'.



Really good work.

I'd inspect my own grammar before I criticize others'. There were some really sloppy sentences in your story.
The medium is the message!
#38
Quote by The Rambler
I'd inspect my own grammar before I criticize others'. There were some really sloppy sentences in your story.

I was kidding. Did you notice that his story was a joke?
#39
Yeah I did.

Hard to read joking (yours, that is... his was a little obvious :-P) on the internet. Apologies.
The medium is the message!
Last edited by The Rambler at Jun 3, 2008,
#40
Quote by The Rambler
Yeah I did.

Hard to read joking (yours, that is... his was a little obvious :-P) on the internet. Apologies.

All good bro.

Anyone else have thoughts on my story? Step right up, step right up!
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