#1
catch 22.

a
trained eye
can see bias
even in an ant hill.

among the shareholders
of faith and knowledge;
this is where
the procreation of progress
is dominant.
ominous gesundheits
handed out like social ornaments;
the sun sets
begging for a lesser involvement.

religion: decision,
revision of your faith;
intermission.
a mission, a vision,
a wish upon a star
for a listen.
a fallen
rendition of the
failures to mention
exactly where the rope ends,
and your neck
becomes the tension...

"opiate for the people"
is a copout.
"lazy" would be more
appropriate.

c4c.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
I liked the idea. Stanza 3 really stood out as excellent. I wasn't a fan of the ending... I see its purpose... it just didn't come off as witty as it probably should have, because there was too much of a sense of "OH that's the point you are making" which takes away from being able to appreciate the true snap in it... it pulled everything together nicely, but I can also tell it was a backhanded comment and that just didn't shine through well to me. Overall a good little read. I enjoyed.


EDIT: ^Say something constructive or don't say anything at all.. warned.
#4
don't post stupid shit in my threads please.^

EDIT: TO GNR.
DOUBLE EDIT: thank you very much Zach. you know your crits are always very appreciated.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Quote by ottoavist
catch 22.

a
trained eye
can see bias
even in an ant hill.
cool intro for sure

among the shareholders
of faith and knowledge;
this is where
the procreation of progress
is dominant.
very nice up until here. interesting ideas
ominous gesundheits
handed out like social ornaments;
i feel like this is a bit overblown. could just be me though
the sun sets
begging for a lesser involvement.
absolutely terrific

religion: decision,
revision of your faith;
breaks the flow a bit
intermission.
this feels like a forced rhyme
a mission, a vision,
a wish upon a star
for a listen.
a fallen
rendition of the
failures to mention
all very very nice
exactly where the rope ends,
and your neck
becomes the tension...
a bit heavyhanded, but not in a bad way, just a shift in tone. 'your neck becomes the tension' is awkward though..it doesnt really become the tension so much as feel it? (if im properly getting the allusion to a hanging)

"opiate for the people"
is a copout.
i dont know whether or not its intentional, but the Marx line youre quoting is usually written as 'opiate of the masses'...
"lazy" would be more
appropriate.
the ending felt very unsatisfying. i cant place why. maybe if you switiched the structure, so that the last word we read is 'lazy', it might drive the point home a bit more

c4c.


a few things that seemed odd, but an unusually good work of this sort. attacks on religion often come off as whiney, but this was done with tact and artistry. nice job man, athiests unite!

c4c?
Speakeasy:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=875357

Will to Live:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=874415

crit one or the other...or if youre feeling generous, both?
~b
#7
thank you guys for your kind words.
chordmonger, yeah, i knew someone would catch that with the Marx quote. i wanted to disgruntle it; make it sound a little less intelligent than that of it's origin. idk, felt like it would better suit the piece.
ironically though, i'm not an athiest, actually far from the idea.
i'll be getting back soon.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I do wish it had ended in the same tone as the rest of the piece.

For me it just doesn't fit; I thin kit is the change in voice. Idk.

Is any of it in relation to the book? I've started it like three times before but have always become distracted two or three chapters in by another - should I pesevere with it ?
#9
ehh, it's based more off of an idea i've had for awhile now....that i can't quite seem to convey most of the time without coming off as completely cliche, LOL OMG IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. sorry.

as far as the book goes, i'd give it a whirl. it definitely promotes some interesting ideas.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Maybe it was just beause the rest of this piece had this epic, sweeping rhythm and the ending just was quite sharp and to the point, i don't know.

I'll give the book another go, I guess then lol.
#11
Quote by ottoavist
thank you guys for your kind words.
chordmonger, yeah, i knew someone would catch that with the Marx quote. i wanted to disgruntle it; make it sound a little less intelligent than that of it's origin. idk, felt like it would better suit the piece.
ironically though, i'm not an athiest, actually far from the idea.
i'll be getting back soon.



hmmm...i guess i misread it then, sorry mate
so is the purpose of it an attack on people who pick and chose what parts of their faith to believe?
#12
On my first read, it's my favorite piece from you.
Actually, it's my favorite out of everything I've seen on this site so far.

I'll come back for a better critique..
Sometime when I'm not at work.

Enjoy the ego strokage for now.

If you want to pre-emptively critique my newest, it's in my sig.
That would be nice. =D
#13
Quote by ChordMonger
so is the purpose of it an attack on people who pick and chose what parts of their faith to believe?

well, to a certain extent. it's mostly an assault on the aspects of tradition. tradition atrophies spontanuity(probably misspelled), which is effectively detrimental to the evolution of a religious mass.

Pete, thanks for the kind words so far. I will get to yours as soon as possible.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Quote by ottoavist
catch 22.

a
trained eye
can see bias
even in an ant hill.

I love this. It's so true.

among the shareholders
of faith and knowledge;
this is where
the procreation of progress
is dominant.
ominous gesundheits
handed out like social ornaments;
the sun sets
begging for a lesser involvement.

I didn't understand how the third couplet fit with the fourth.. But I love the fourth couplet. I'm so quoting you when I talk to people in person.

religion: decision,
revision of your faith;
intermission.
a mission, a vision,
a wish upon a star
for a listen.
a fallen
rendition of the
failures to mention
exactly where the rope ends,
and your neck
becomes the tension...

I didn't understand how "intermission" played into what you were saying.

"opiate for the people"
is a copout.
"lazy" would be more
appropriate.

Hehe, love.


Not much of a critique, but how do you critique what you think should be left as is?
#15
The third alone makes this a candidate for wotw, imho.
The way the similarities in the words were used to "morph" as it went along was glorious.

I think the minor disruption of the read in the first was well worth the shape visual created by detaching the a.

The only thing that seemed out of place was ominous.
It feels so foreboding.
Unless I'm deriving a different meaning than what you had intended,
it seems to call for something more dutifully mundane.

Is that what you're going for here, or am I reading less into this than is really there?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#17
EDIT: ^ Well done

Quote by ottoavist
catch 22.

a
trained eye
can see bias
even in an ant hill.

Excellent dude.

among the shareholders
of faith and knowledge;
this is where
the procreation of progress
is dominant.
ominous gesundheits
handed out like social ornaments;
the sun sets
begging for a lesser involvement.

Flawless rhythm done here, I enjoyed. "Gesundheits" was a weird selection but no one else in UG can pull it off.

religion: decision,
revision of your faith;
intermission.
a mission, a vision,
a wish upon a star
for a listen.
a fallen
rendition of the
failures to mention
exactly where the rope ends,
and your neck
becomes the tension...

"Intermission" felt forced but everything else was flawless.

"opiate for the people"
is a copout.
"lazy" would be more
appropriate.

"Opiate for the people" was excellent but the rest didn't follow it as it should have but still a very well done.

c4c.


enjoyed.
#18
i enjoyed reading this.
i do agree with teh ending. it could be more clear.
stanza 3 is awesome dude.
i loved the wording,

crite mine please.
(Sigs)
#19
thank you guys very much for your words.
it's greatly appreciated.

EDIT: SYK, i used the word "ominous" to basically make the entire line contradict itself. it's like blessing a sneeze, except...cursing. know what i mean?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 4, 2008,