#1
I’ve Seen This Place Before

Like a fine, plaid, suit-jacket
your colours mingle with mine
in a weave of heart-wrenching,
skin-clenching love.

But trends seem to dictate our actions
the same way they’ve acted as an autocrat
to your half-quiescent emotions.
Putting forth the physical effort of happiness,
while the essence of a smile remains absent.

The same goes for the kisses you’ve half-assed,
turning your lips from love to Plexiglas…

Dividing what was present,
from what is now past.


And so marks the resurrection of my ambiguity
forcing me to relive the perdition of passion
yet allowing me the freedom to make the same mistake.
A thorn upon the crown of choice,
as fate will lead me back here again.

With destiny clawing upward
until it reaches a heightened sense of déjà vu.
And fidelity,
becoming the cruel butcher of truth.
Last edited by Fate_of_Mind at Jun 3, 2008,
#2
*applauds*

I thought of a hardcore beat to your lyrics as I read them. They were amazing, props!
#3
Quote by Fate_of_Mind
I’ve Seen This Place Before

Like a fine, plaid, suit-jacket
your colours mingle with mine
in a weave of heart-wrenching,
skin-clenching love.

Lets start here with comments. To be honest, this didn't do anything for me. Sorry if I come off as harsh, but I'm going to be real with you because you have some talent and you need to fine tune it. This was bland. You had a nice little "alliteration" feel to the end, gave it a good staccato, but this was artsy imagery for the sake of artsy imagery here. There was nothing about this that stood out as solid or tangible or even outstanding. It was just there, which is a bad thing for a first stanza to do. If nothing else, at least have it set a scene a little most solidly than this did... but you really need to give it some pizazz and pop.

But trends seem to dictate our actions
the same way they’ve acted as an autocrat
to your half-quiescent emotions.

Putting forth the physical effort of happiness,
while the essence of a smile remains absent.

The bolded part stood out. Because in there, you have two obscure-ish words, and the rest of your piece doesn't have that. They stick out as an attempt to sound intense and educated, and to be frank, make it feel a bit beginner... like that stage everyone goes through where they try to work larger words into their pieces. Outside of that, this was respectable. The first line is a bit, meh... just hte idea behind it wasn't terrible great. Love the last couplet though.


The same goes for the kisses you’ve half-assed,
turning your lips from love to Plexiglas…

This was the best part of the piece.

Dividing what was present,
from what is now past.


And this brought it down. This is such a spectacularly unoriginal sentiment that it really kills the magic that the Plexiglas created.

And so marks the resurrection of my ambiguity
forcing me to relive the perdition of passion
yet allowing me the freedom to make the same mistake.
A thorn upon the crown of choice,
as fate will lead me back here again.

Again, being honest, this feels like word soup. There is nothing about hte way these words read that tickles my fancy. Each phrase stumbled on itself, they didn't tie together well at all. Consolidate, consolidate, consolidate... this will turn out better if you could cut each line to half its length and say the same thing.

With destiny clawing upward
until it reaches a heightened sense of déjà vu.
And fidelity,
becoming the cruel butcher of truth.

Meh to the first couplet. Again, it just seems forced. Like you are trying to force an artsy image into the piece instead of just letting the piece breathe. The second part was better. A solid sentiment put in a way that just works.



Parts were good, other parts not so much. A lot of it had a feel of forced poetic imagery. Like you had an idea, but it was too blunt so you tried to coat it with a symbolic image of some sort... and the image just didn't fit in the idea. Thus it gave off a bad vibe. You are capable of re-writing this piece in a much better form. I'd love to see you do it. Let the ideas speak and breath for themselves... it will come out much smoother.

-zC