#1
once again, don't take this seriously, it's not quite as "controversial" as my other song but i have a feeling there'll be some c*nt who doesn't morally approve of it.

please don't blow me up mr. taliban man
i've got so much to give
i'll do anything mr. taliban man
just please god let me live
i've got money in my pockets mr. taliban man
you can take whatever you will
we can buy marijuana mr. taliban man
and whilst stoned we can just chill

put down your weapons
and take a deep drag
then feel the force of this green
from my special 20bag

the sh*t was f*cked up
but i went with the flow
the taliban aren't so bad
plus they got some badass homegrown

now that we're high
you know it's not right
don't blow me up mr.taliban man
no more fear for my life

what's going on man?
i must have passed out
i need to build my tolerence
to stop these damn blackouts

SH*T i lost me weed
i see mr.taliban running into the night
what the f*ck are you doing to me man
that green **** is my life
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
I got crap to do, okay? Counter-Strike isn't going to play itself.
#3
i'm sorry? did you not understand the song or something? it's quite simple.

terrorist takes hostage, hostage offers weed to terrorist, they get high, hostage passes out and terrorist steals weed.

now try giving some constructive criticism
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
I got crap to do, okay? Counter-Strike isn't going to play itself.
#5
Quote by twistedmaggot
i'm sorry? did you not understand the song or something? it's quite simple.

terrorist takes hostage, hostage offers weed to terrorist, they get high, hostage passes out and terrorist steals weed.

now try giving some constructive criticism



ok, personily, i dont like people writing eminem style shock effect songs, there is no need and its not to PC either
HiMyNameIsMatt
#6
it's not supposed to be shocking, just something funny
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
I got crap to do, okay? Counter-Strike isn't going to play itself.
#7
well terrorism isnt funny to me sorry. my uncle died in 9/11 and i know people who lost their son in columbine
HiMyNameIsMatt
#8
Quote by twistedmaggot
but i have a feeling there'll be some c*nt who doesn't morally approve of it.
i have no problem with this on a moral basis. but as far as the writing goes, it sucks ass.

you haven't progressed one iota since January:
I Hate Sundays (First Song)
I should have mowed the lawn
little child of the night


Just like the others presented before, you've latched onto a subject that might have been interesting but slightly controversial, and have done almost nothing with it.


  • the point of view is mundane.
  • there is nothing clever or fresh in your choice of expressions.
  • your words are neither pleasant nor stirringly offensive.
  • your rhymes are barely adequate. at least you have one positive.
  • your sense of rhythm is severely lacking.
  • you don't use vivid imagery or action.
  • you never do more than scratch the surface of any of these topics you've chosen.
  • alliteration is not something you have your tailor do to your trousers.
  • you wouldn't know a simile if it dropped on your head like an acme safe in a Loony Tune
  • metaphor is not a specialized variety of icy-hot. don't hesitate to rub some on it.



You seem to think that choosing an edgy topic is all that's required to make a piece interesting. Sorry to disappoint you, but it isn't working. Just the same as how you think the fact that you are now able to have an erection somehow makes the world interested in your 13year old penis, you think that others might find your writing remarkable. Wrong on both accounts. With the exception of your peers who have not yet gone through puberty, the rest of us have moved far beyond that.

If writing was flying, you'd be the kid who wore a bedsheet like a cape, spread the ends, and ran down the runway screaming: "I can fly. I can FLY!"

You'd be well advised to abandon the edgy stuff for now and just stick to learning the art of writing. As it stands right now ...

Your work isn't worth a shit crit.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
meh i'm far too stoned to bother making a wall of text, i'll just leave it at i'm not trying to impress anyone and i'm too old for these bollocks insults about my age, which you got wrong might i add. i can't be bothered explaining anymore.
Quote by Martyr's Prayer
I got crap to do, okay? Counter-Strike isn't going to play itself.
#10
Honestly, it's not about your age, if you are going to be hung up on his insults than take what he said as a service to you maybe actually improving, you are far more selfish that previously thought. Try and learning about what he's talking about, and implementing it. Because, you can't say... Weed, Weed, Coke, Weed... and make an interesting poem. Honestly, start small, and learn metaphors and similes. There are plenty of articles on them, then you can improve upon your work.
#11
I liked this. i don't think it was as rich as your other one. I would have liked to see a little more metaphor but i think you acheived what you were aiming for, so nice job. I thought it was very well written except for a few places the flow was a little messed up, but not enough to raise alarm. Nice job. Since you already critted my latest one i'll just say keep up the good work. but feel free to look in my pro for some other stuff that i've written. once again, great job. i like your writing style and how you aren't afraid to write about stuff like this and then post it. kudos.