#1
Tell me how this sounds , my friend wrote it. And he's no lyricist

Verse 1
Your eyes are so sincere
And in your lovely smile I bask
As I wonder all the while
What’s behind your pretty mask?

What underneath do you conceal
Devil, demon, angel, sprite
Are you needy, angry, vicious, lost,
Apathetic, filled with fright?

Verse 2
There’s so many ways to suffer now
And life is so confused
Its no wonder that the bulk of us
are sure we’ve been abused

So why don’t you just spit it out
And lay it on the line?
Take off the guise that hides the truth
Be honest just one time

Chorus:
But the world revolves on bull****
We all balance on the fence
To risk a fall with honesty
I guess just makes no sense.
Gear:
Guitars/ Basses:
PRS SE singlecut w/Tremolo
Epiphone Sg
Epiphone Thunderbird

Waiting in the wings:
Squier Strat mod
(soon to start)

Amps:
Line 6 Spider JAM
Peavey Max 115 bass amp
#2
Quote by Bassmastajazzyj
Tell me how this sounds , my friend wrote it. And he's no lyricist
Can't really comment until you clarify a few things.

1 - Did your friend ask you to post this for critique, or are you just doing this because you want some opinions about your friend's work?

2 - Do you plan on critiquing / commenting on others work in return for time they spend on this? It's not like he's accountable for any deals you make, so unless you plan to reciprocate for effort spent on this one, what's in it for the other writers who might reply?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
1. Yes my friend did want me to post this.

2. Yea ill critique other peoples work but dont expect words from a pro

I dont really dwell in the lyric section so im not really clear with tthe stuff,and i did read the rules and all.
Gear:
Guitars/ Basses:
PRS SE singlecut w/Tremolo
Epiphone Sg
Epiphone Thunderbird

Waiting in the wings:
Squier Strat mod
(soon to start)

Amps:
Line 6 Spider JAM
Peavey Max 115 bass amp
#4
To me this seemed more like a poem than a song. Its nicely written, but I just can't see anyone actually singing words like guise, sprite, or bask. Idk. Its just my opinion. I really liked it, i just think its more of a poem than a song. But tell your friend that he did a good job. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=14529103 thx. Tell your friend to keep up the good work and not to be afraid to post stuff on here himself.
#5
Verse 1
Your eyes are so sincere
so is a weak adjective used in this case to mean "very".
replace it or delete it if you can, without damaging the rhythm.

And in your lovely smile I bask
And unnecessarily links this back to the first line.
Dump it.
I bask in the radiance of your smile
would be one of many possibilities to achieve the same result.
but that alters the rhyme.
explore.

As I wonder all the while
What’s behind your pretty mask?
pretty? meh. been done to death.
what's behind the allure of your mask.
could work. again, explore.

What underneath do you conceal
underneath is busy and redundant.
secrets is just as redundant
but adds some reason for interest.

Devil, demon, angel, sprite
these single words are effective.
Are you needy, angry, vicious, lost,
now you're just filling space.
and you've taken the impact away from the previous line.
try a different approach to finish this.

Apathetic, filled with fright?

Verse 2
There’s so many ways to suffer now
And life is so confused
blah. so again, twice in two lines.
life isn't confused, we are.
life could be confusing.

Its no wonder that the bulk of us
the bulk of us isn't bangin'
are sure we’ve been abused

So why don’t you just spit it out
And lay it on the line?
this has been done before, but it's not horrible.
Take off the guise that hides the truth
Take off the guise doesn't sound natural.
even a cheap cliche like "Remove the veil" might be better.

Be honest just one time

Chorus:
But the world revolves on bull****
We all balance on the fence
To risk a fall with honesty
I guess just makes no sense.
since the title points to the chorus
it carries even more weight than it normally would.
this one is weak, and should be the first target, if you choose to revise.
revolving on bullshit is an odd thought, when you think about it for a moment, isn't it? getting mired in the muck would make more sense. balancing on the fence isn't a bad thought to work with. but it has little to do with the content in the verses.

in a song, a chorus can (and should) be the most powerful part of the lyrics.
a clever catchphrase or novel point of view will be repeated because of the way a chorus is used.
it summarizes, at least partially the message of the song.
the words should be simple enough to flow off the tongue easily and yet be worth repeating.

there is nothing horrible about this song. if the music is strong enough, they'll pass and fill the need. but if you/he aspire to more, there's plenty of room for improvement. never be afraid to wreck your own shit. look at every aspect of it. vocabulary, meaning, flow. rip it apart and revise repeatedly. worst case, you won't like what you end up with, and can settle for the original.

i don't expect "words from a pro". you didn't get them here. but i did take the time and effort to read the words and offer some opinions on how i felt they worked with each other.

read several pieces by some randoms and select a couple that you like. offer your own opinion on what parts work best and which are weak. you'll find that while doing this, your own writing will improve. you naturally look more critically at words you have no personal investment in. if you can enlist the help of your friend who wrote this, so much the better.

cheers,
SYK
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.