#1
This is a very simplistic song and, as a result, it's pretty short. I'm not sure if I should expand on it or just keep it the way it is now. Regardless, I'd like some feedback on it.

---Please see updated lyrics below this post---

Flyin' into the Sunday evening
Watchin' as the birds beneath us
Sail into the world we're leaving
Look at them so self-deceiving

Letting go of past reminders
Giving up on all remainders
Wishing things back

I.............................
..............................
..............................
.............................. <----These lyrics are held, just with a tone change each line
Want.....................
You........................
To know................

Flyin' into the Sunday evening
Watchin' as the stars beneath us
Fade into what we believe in
Can't stop my heart from beatin'

Letting go of past reminders
Giving up on all remainders
Wishing things back

I.............................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want......................
You.........................
To know.................

I.............................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want.....................
You........................
To know.................

I wrote a chord progression first and then came up with the lyrics. To get a feel for how it should sound, take a listen to the chord progression I recorded in my profile (please don't criticize me on my playing ability. I haven't been playing for very long). That progression would basically be repeating throughout the entire song (minus the jazzy chord at the end).

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/ttreat31/music/
Last edited by ttreat31 at Jun 6, 2008,
#2
Okay, so I changed some lyrics and added some lyrics. I also decided to change the name of the song. Please tell me what you think. I will try to record the chord progression for the bridge that I added soon.

Flyin' into the Sunday evening
Watchin' as the birds beneath us
Sail into the world we're leaving
Look at them so self-deceiving

Letting go of past reminders
Giving up on all remainders
I.....................
Want it back...

And I......................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want.....................
You........................
To see...................

And I.....................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want.....................
You........................
To know................

Flyin' into the Sunday evening
Watchin' as the stars beneath us
Fade into what we're thinking
Can't stop the world from changing

Letting go of past reminders
Giving up on all remainders
I.....................
Want it back...

And I.....................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want.....................
You........................
To see...................

And I.....................
..............................
..............................
..............................
Want.....................
You........................
To know.................

Livin' life like
I'm just tryin' to get by
But there's nothin' I can do
When it's all inside, and

Livin' life like
I'm just tryin' to get high
But there's nothin' I can do
When we're side by side, and

Livin' life like
I'm just tryin' to stay dry
But there's nothin' I can do
When there is a rising tide

Thanks, C4C.
Last edited by ttreat31 at Jun 24, 2008,
#3
I like the message you are trying to portray. About how there isn't anything in the world that you can change, it all just happens naturally, even against your will. I'd love to see the chrod progression? What kind of genre is this song in? Just lemme know.

I don't get the whole Dots thing, but maybe it just goes with the music.
all in all, i do like this even tho it's a little odd and twisting. I like your use of rhymes through out the verses.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=877861&highlight=watchmen
#4
The dots represent how those lyrics should be sustained. I will hopefully get the chord progressions posted soon. The genre would be kind of alternative rock, very much like Radiohead.
Last edited by ttreat31 at Jun 7, 2008,
#5
Excellent piece. The language and imagery was great. The only thing I'd add is a conclusion to tie the thoughts together. But still, great song.
EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention, the "stars" in the second verse seem like their role isn't identified very much. Maybe the conclusion would help.

Can you crit mine in my sig?
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jun 7, 2008,
#6
Thanks, I'll definitely take into account your advice.

Also, here is the chord progression for the verse/chorus and bridge (although I actually changed the bridge a bit since I last recorded this, but it sounds similar):

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/ttreat31/music/all/play322583

Basically the first progression you hear would repeat the entire song, except where the bridge comes in, which is the second progression you hear.
#7
returning crit.

imagry is perfect. i dont care much for the whole sustained lyrivs thing.
but that is my stay;e of music.
maby if you threw some changing pitches in there it would be intresting.

i LOVED the last stanza. it really painted a picture

and i think you ispired me in that stanza
#8
I appreciate the crit. The sustained lyrics would have pitch changes.
#9
Livin' life like

I dislike this line.
the alliteration is nice,
but the sounds are less than appealing
and the meaning is slightly ... redundant.
living life, what else could you do with life, other than live it?
and this is repeated 3 times in the variations of that section.
you should look for another way to describe a mundane, monotonous existence.
Livin' hand-to-mouth
Livin' day to day
Livin' day by day
or drop livin' and just
Day by day.
there will be plenty of other ways to open this.
they don't have to link this, as a simile, to what follows.
it can stand on its own, if you chose.
Meadows
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