#1
A Poem i wrote a while back,
thought i would put it on here.

C4C
-------------------------------------------------
I walk this path alone
I cannot see nor touch nor hear.
only in nightmare has this bizarre scence occured to me,
for hope has clashed with destiny,
and the fight for survival is scarce,
for in the end, shall victor triuph over the fallen
and God's Mercy shall show.
Through the darkened clouds that have
fallen upon us this day, as the crows circle the sky, waiting
anxiously thier meal,
the hunter watches the wolf, who stalks his prey
the deer,
who eats the grass
once green, darkened, burned and browned by war, and disharmony
only the oldest of the old, who watches over everything, that has been,
is, and to be, has seen this conflict.
sensations of happiness and sadness
wash over us like a memory
or perhaps,
what we truly feel..
is dispair?
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 4, 2008,
#2
Wow, this is really cheerful. It's good, just needs to be a little bit darker... although...
#4
thanks guys,
i showed this to one of my friends in english, and she was tearing up,
she said it was a great poem.

any one want me to crit thiers?
#5
I Like it. Its kind of got that Doom effect. Ive got a poem im going to put up eventually.
You should check it out when i get it up.

Have to wait though
Cause im a N00B and posted two songs in one day
and they locked the better of the two

I get no respect
#7
bold = grammar
italics = content

I walk this path alone
I cannot see nor touch nor hear.
only in nightmare has this bizarre scence occured to me, scene* occurred*
for hope has clashed with destiny,
and the fight for survival is scarce,
for in the end, shall victor triuph over the fallen triumph*
This line doesn't really make sense. Do you mean "for only in the end, shall victor..." or maybe "for in the end, the victor shall triumph..."? Either way though its redundant, since the victor is, by definition, the one who triumphs over the fallen.
and God's Mercy shall show. "Mercy" meant to be capitalized?
Through the darkened clouds that have
fallen upon us this day, as the crows circle the sky, waiting
anxiously thier meal, their*
Once again this doesn't make much sense due to phrasing. Do you mean "waiting anxiously for their meal" or "anxiously awaiting their meal"?
the hunter watches the wolf, who stalks his prey
the deer,
I think you should take this line out altogether. Would sound much better to just say "who stalks his prey, who eats the grass".
who eats the grass
once green, darkened, burned and browned by war, and disharmony
Need a "now" before darkened, or something of the sort to make that leap from past to present.
only the oldest of the old, who watches over everything, that has been,
is, and to be, has seen this conflict.
I had to read over this a few times to understand it, maybe separate the different time periods into their own lines? This would make it easier to understand and more dramatic.
sensations of happiness and sadness
wash over us like a memory
or perhaps,
what we truly feel..
is dispair?

Great ending.


You have a good concept here, I would just change a few of the things I mentioned to prevent the reader from having to stop every now and then to decipher what you were trying to say. I'm also very fond of some of the imagery you used, makes the whole thing seem very enigmatic.

Mind critting Squinting Against the Sun in the sig?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
It's quite a decent poem, but how many times am I going to have to read about someone "walking alone"? The idea is quite cliche. I think you should make some friends, get some inspiration, and write about something important and interesting, because you do have the skill for it.
#9
i will crit yours billy.
thanks for teh full crit.
i type fast sometimes and make those mistakes.
so ya,
you had it right.

and thanks rockergirl
ill change it when i find a new beginnig.
i wrote this in liek 15 min.
so im surpirised it turned out well.