#1
I felt like telling a story, pretty pathetic.
Oh well, at least it's writing.
OTS

I may not be able to return crits, I'm going to be gone the next couple of days, but I'll try.


A bull stands at the center
of this cobblestone street,
it may be but a statue,
yet there stands a man.
In the stance of a matador,
he has no sword, merely a cane
to hold the fragile frame,
no cape, merely the shirt
on his limp shoulders.
His thinning greyed hair,
a stark contrast to
the bristling black of the bull.

"Sir, for what reasons
do you pursue this creature?
For what reasons
do you now stand here?"

"My child, I stand here to avenge
a great injustice done to me,
by this villain, aye, this savage beast.
For once, I had a great flower,
bloom'd blue as the robin's egg,
yet this vile creature, in rancor came,
and trampled my lovely gentian.
I am but a simple widower,
and she was but my only child,
the single love left to me.
Now, I have nothing to lose,
for I am alone again."

This is where I left the man,
for there was nothing I could do for him.
A tear slipped down his trembling cheek,
as I took one glimpse back.

For all I know, neither moved
a single step for the rest of eternity.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Jun 3, 2008,
#2
thats deep bro.
'79 Fender Deluxe Reverb
Gibson Les Paul Classic
Fender Stratocaster
Ibanez TS9, Keeley TS9 Baked Mod
Zendrive

LOOOOOK INTOOOOOO THEEEE PICCCTUREEEEEEEEE


Member of UG's Gain Whores - pm gpderek09 to join
#5
I felt like telling a story, pretty pathetic.
Oh well, at least it's writing.
OTS

I may not be able to return crits, I'm going to be gone the next couple of days, but I'll try.


A bull stands at the center
of this cobblestone street,
it may be but a statue,
yet there stands a man.
In the stance of a matador,
he has no sword, merely a cane
to hold the fragile frame,
no cape, merely the shirt
on his limp shoulders.
His thinning greyed hair,
a stark contrast to
the bristling black of the bull.

I don't understand "cane" but everything else was nicely done. Nice alliteration on "Fragile frame".

"Sir, for what reasons
do you pursue this creature?
For what reasons
do you now stand here?"

"My child, I stand here to avenge
a great injustice done to me,
by this villain, aye, this savage beast.
For once, I had a great flower,
bloom'd blue as the robin's egg,
yet this vile creature, in rancor came,
and trampled my lovely gentian.
I am but a simple widower,
and she was but my only child,
the single love left to me.
Now, I have nothing to lose,
for I am alone again."https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=7
UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com - Songwriting & Lyrics

I enjoyed this. "Gentian" didn't come off right as I was reading but Ir's all good.

This is where I left the man,
for there was nothing I could do for him.
A tear slipped down his trembling cheek,
as I took one glimpse back.

For all I know, neither moved
a single step for the rest of eternity.

Overall I'm not sure of the metaphor or the point you're trying to get across with this bull but it seems you're aiming for something powerful, I'm not sure what. But any who I liked this and you should come back here more often, like the good old days that I wasn't apart of.

Could you crit this please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=872195
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jun 4, 2008,