#1
It’s just me myself and I,

In my room tonight.

All alone with my thoughts,

But none of them are clear.



This fog is everywhere,

Taking over my whole world.

And no one even knows,

That my mind is bleeding out.



But I can do this on my own,

I don’t need you to save me.

You just don’t understand,

So stop trying and leave my ass alone.



As these thoughts become more clear,

They all run together and pool like tears.

My memories running rampant,

With no way to stop myself.



I think I’m going crazy,

With these voices in my head.

I know they’re not my own,

But there’s no one here but me.



Now I can’t do this on my own,

And I need you to save me.

But you just don’t understand,

Just keep trying and keep my ass alive.



All these eyes surround me,

The eyes of my friends.

And know I’m not alone,

But it all just seems so fake.



I know you’re there to help me.

But I don’t want it, I need it.

These hands were here to end my life,

But you pulled them back.



And I couldn’t do this on my own,

I did need you to save me.

Turns out you understand,

Thanks for not leaving my ass to die……
#2
you can do without the dutiful capitalization at the beginning of each line.
i think it reads better when it's used only to begin a sentence, etc.


It’s just me myself and I,

In my room tonight.

All alone with my thoughts,
you can do without all

But none of them are clear.
you can do without But.



This fog is everywhere,

Taking over my whole world.
you can do without whole.

And no one even knows,
you can do without even.

That my mind is bleeding out.
i like this line.


But I can do this on my own,
you cad do without But.

I don’t need you to save me.
try rearranging this to:
you don't need to save me.


You just don’t understand,

So stop trying and leave my ass alone.
my ass weakens this, imho.
i'd rather hear me, instead.




As these thoughts become more clear,

They all run together and pool like tears.
meh, this pair isn't very strong.

My memories running rampant,
run rather than running, i think.

With no way to stop myself.



I think I’m going crazy,

With these voices in my head.

I know they’re not my own,

But there’s no one here but me.



Now I can’t do this on my own,
you can do without Now.

And I need you to save me.
you can even do without And, if you wanna.

But you just don’t understand,
blah, blah, blah, But.

Just keep trying and keep my ass alive.
blah, blah, blah, me.


All these eyes surround me,
blah, blah, blah, All these.

The eyes of my friends.

And know I’m not alone,
you could drop And and add that after know.

But it all just seems so fake.
blah, blah, blah, so.


I know you’re there to help me.

But I don’t want it, I need it.
you could relocate but to after the comma.

These hands were here to end my life,

But you pulled them back.



And I couldn’t do this on my own,
blah, blah, blah, And.

I did need you to save me.

Turns out you understand,

Thanks for not leaving my ass to die……
blah, blah, blah, me.


introspectives always have a tendency to be a bit bland
because they don't afford that many opportunities for imagery.
you tried to do that in a few places. look for more, if you can.
i liked this because there was a change that occurred.
character development is always more interesting than a static point of view.
Meadows
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#3
this sounds more like a suicide note rather than poetry or a song....
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#4
I agree with SYK. You can stretch your flow and meter plenty, but there are limits. I didn't like the repitition of ass, and I didn't like the lack of a rhyme scheme. That's just my opinion, though.