#1
Old version:
You get-up, dress-up
Head down, get-down
Work hard, play hard
You try hard,
You're die hard,

Walk and talk like you own the place
Making me feel out of place,
Make my mind get lost in space,
But i gotta slow down its no race.

Cause its not,
not what you wear,
not what you say,
not what you like,
not what you hate

Its how you make me feel
How you make my mind squeal,
All these feelings you steal,
With no remorse and a heart of steel.

But its not,
not who you know,
not where you go,
not how you look,
not what you took,

Its how you make me weak,
make me think these thoughts,
like a massive mind leak,
And it taunts and haunts.

So I sit patiently,
wasting away,
gotta make a move,
take a chance.

Cause babe its not,
not how cool you are,
not who your friends are,
not where you are,
or how beautiful you are

Its how you get me lost so far,
how your smile makes mine,
and babe in time you'll see,
me and you will be,
together.


Updated:
You get-up, dress-up
Work hard, play hard
You try hard,
You're die hard.

Walking like you own the place,
Stunning body, with a gorgeous face,
But my emotions are in a rocket to space,
You got my heart running a ten horse race.

Cause it's not,
not what you wear,
not what you say,
not what you like,
not what you hate

Its how you make me feel
How you make my mind squeal,
All these feelings you steal,
Leaving me empty in this ordeal.

It's how you woke me,
In our head on collision,
I was asleep at the wheel,
My insurance won't cover how I feel.

But its not,
not who you know,
not where you go,
not how you look,
not what you took,

Its how you make me weak,
Make me think these thoughts,
Drowning in a sea and unable to speak,
Running out of breath.

I'm wasting time without you here,
But I can't take it,
I gotta make a move,
Gotta take a chance.

Cause babe its not,
not how smooth you are,
not how good you smell,
not how all eyes are on you,
not how beautiful you are

Its how you get me lost so far,
How your smile curves mine,
And babe in time you'll see,
I'll prove to be worthy.

---------

c4c
Let me know what you think, and help me improve.
Last edited by denn0069 at Jun 5, 2008,
#2
I like it, you really do run through the emotions in it! From happiness to sadness to hope to almost anger. Impressive... What kind of music is it for? In a few places the rhyming seems a little bit forced: 'Its how you make me weak ... like a massive mind leak'. I can see why you've used it and it does make sense, just not quite so 'fluid' as the rest. Great base though to work from, hardly anything (or nothing!) really needs changing. Good stuff!
#3
Ya wasn't sure about that line really, probly be best to maybe skip the rhyme on that line or maybe something like:
droping my mind into a boiling creek,
or just ditching the rhyming.

Thanks for the comment. If you have one you want me to comment back let me know, although im busing home from work in 10 mins so it'd be later today.

Oh and I was thinking something Alternative, kind of upbeat.
▼▲
Quote by shdowfox17
awesome avatar,denn0069!
Quote by Valo
The most truth I've heard in the pit.
ever.
▼▲
#4
I had lukewarm feelings toward this.

the A,A,A,A rhyme scheme in the fourth was tolerable, but rhyming homophones (steal and steel) is ugly. the title sucks ass. and the last two stanzas fizzle out.

it won't make any difference when it's heard rather than read but: it's = contraction of it is. its = possessive form of it or plural of it.

it didn't knock my socks off, but it really isn't bad.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Thanks for the review first off
I know the title blows all I could really think of any suggestions?
I'm gonna modify from the comments and ill edit the top post with the newer version soon highlighting changes in bold.
But about rhyming, how important do you think it is to a song, I mean when singing it I know it can help keep a certain flow and interconnectivity of everything, but when should it be given up for things like making points or if you can't find a real good one.
Again thanks.
▼▲
Quote by shdowfox17
awesome avatar,denn0069!
Quote by Valo
The most truth I've heard in the pit.
ever.
▼▲
#6
Make sure you put it on your profile when its done, it'll be good to hear it! The new lines do sound good, I think its better to leave the rhyme out there, it sounds good without it!
Last edited by EL2T at Jun 5, 2008,
#7
Quote by denn0069
Old version:


Updated:
You get-up, dress-up
Work hard, play hard
You try hard,
You're die hard.
jumps from narrative to description

Walking like you own the place,
Stunning body, with a gorgeous face,
But my emotions are in a rocket to space,
You got my heart running a ten horse race.
it would be 'you've'..no bad descriptions, but simple in its execution

Cause it's not,
not what you wear,
not what you say,
not what you like,
not what you hate
its a repeated 'not' from line one to two. ide say change to "cause its-not what_not what_etc, or "cause its not-what you_, what you_" yeah? hate seems to be a bad way to end a staza of a love poem IMHO

Its how you make me feel
How you make my mind squeal,
All these feelings you steal,
Leaving me empty in this ordeal.
someone mentioned this, but an AAAA rhyme sceme is simplistic. besides which, it seems more like shes giving you the feelings rather than stealing them

It's how you woke me,
In our head on collision,
I was asleep at the wheel,
My insurance won't cover how I feel.
nice extended metaphor man

But its not,
not who you know,
not where you go,
not how you look,
not what you took,

Its how you make me weak,
Make me think these thoughts,
Drowning in a sea and unable to speak,
Running out of breath.
changed rhyme sceme? inconsistant...but the idea in it is a good one

I'm wasting time without you here,
But I can't take it,
I gotta make a move,
Gotta take a chance.
all sense of rhyme is gone by now...is this a spoken portion of the song? and how 'but' also seems wrong. 'but' sets up and opposing idea. what you are looking for is 'and'

Cause babe its not,
not how smooth you are,
not how good you smell,
not how all eyes are on you,
not how beautiful you are
nice to see this structure developing further ideas!

Its how you get me lost so far,
How your smile curves mine,
And babe in time you'll see,
I'll prove to be worthy.
its how you get me lost so far....that what? that struck me as an unfinised idea. i love the second line. maybe replace 'to be' in the last line with 'myself'?

---------

c4c
Let me know what you think, and help me improve.


in terms of a love poem, this feel very genuine, and thats a beautiful thing. the problems lie in the exection. if you have the feelings behind it to write an honest piece, the skills to write it with craft will come in time. best of luck man
~b