#1
Gave her an apple, she just ate the worm.
Poured him spoiled milk, he drank around the kurds.
Swam in the dumpster, there was a sign up that said no diving.
Lightless chandelier, eight candles hung down over Hamilton.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
i know i said i'll be back on the last, and never returned. sorry about that, i'd forgotten about it until i seen this one posted. i'll be sure to get to this one.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
It's straight, don't worry about it. I've been horrible at getting back to people lately. The critiques don't matter so much too me, I just like people to read it and drop a comment.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
Love the analogies you've used. The first one has to be my favorite means alot to me from previous experiences with women. The only one I don't really get is the last line.
But I mean the only real complaint is MORE.
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Quote by shdowfox17
awesome avatar,denn0069!
Quote by Valo
The most truth I've heard in the pit.
ever.
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#5
Thank you.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Quote by freshtunes
Gave her an apple, she just ate the worm.
Poured him spoiled milk, he drank around the kurds.
Swam in the dumpster, there was a sign up that said no diving.
Lightless chandelier, eight candles hung down over Hamilton.



This piece conveys your intention quite well, but you might want to capitalise and quote "No Diving."
#7
It got a lot better once I realised that for 'kurds' you meant 'curds' and not the indigenous people of nothern Iraq lol. But yeah, capitalise and quote for 'no diving'
so Swam in the dumpster, there was a sign up that said, 'No Diving.'

I didn't quite get the whole 'lighltless chandelier' and then 'eight candles' thing? maybe you want to add a couple more lines to elaborate on that, or just explain it, so I cangive a better critique.
But, otherwise it's good, I like it.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#8
is this experimental for you?
i mean, don't get me wrong; the analogies are nice and all, but i get the feel like something has changed with your work.
this has potential to be magnificant, but everytime i get to the end, it seems like the author was just like: "eh, i'm gonna put this down and get back to it later...."

no offense at all man, your previous works are great. i guess it kinda feels as if you're settling for less nowadays.

call me out if i've got the wrong impression, ok?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Otto (sorry if that isnt your name), yes I've been putting the pen down a lot less lately. Most of my recent pieces are just ideas I'd like to expand on. Good call though, you're very right. I appreciate the critique as well.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
the name's Kent.

listen man, you do whatever the hell it is you need to do to get back that prime you were in. you have a rare style about you that's extremely original, and most would be grateful to touch once or twice.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif you'd like to take a gander at mine; it's called "dopplar." if not, hey it's cool.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.