#1
I need a stronger ending, but, here it is. This I took from another piece and revised. Don't know if its any better, it was a pretty quick revision but I like the story and I want to do it justice so any comments on this and I will actually revise it. There's a first time for everything. It's borderline absurdest and the point is fairly existentialist, if that helps.

I made all this up. Tee-hee. Teehee.

Three days ago
A girl rode in the elevator with me,
Her name was Megan.
She had just got back from playing
At Carnagie hall.
She was a prodigy,
I could see the magic in her hands.
I looked at her face.

I blinked, I wrung my hands together,
And all I wanted to shake her young veins
Until love poured out of her like a stream of blood,
And all I wanted was to slip my hand through her hair,
And whisper, and call her my beautiful
New York Angel. And
All I wanted was to touch her so softly that she’d start crying.
And all I wanted to do was say a thousand things
All at once, that would make her smile, get rid of the
dark rings under her eyes, straighten her hair,
and unbutton that red vest that was constricting her lungs.
I closed my eyes.

Time passed like a stream of blood,
She kissed my cheek
With such a terrifying desperation.
My eyes locked open.
She whispered something drunk in my ear
And her lips slipped on her way to my lips. And she started crying.
And she held me right there in between the elevator and something else,
Keeping me safe,
From the thought we were both so suddenly okay with.
#2
i abhor the use of caps to start each line, as a matter of form rather that function.
when you use line breaks to force pauses, that make the use of caps uglier.


I made all this up. Tee-hee. Teehee.

Three days ago
A girl rode in the elevator with me,
Her name was Megan.
She had just got back from playing
you could easily use returned without it sounding too formal.
At Carnagie hall.
She was a prodigy,
I could see the magic in her hands.
I looked at her face.
the last line is screaming for a purpose.
But, Then, or even When would give it some direction.
as it stands, it stands out like a sore thumb.


I blinked, I wrung my hands together,
And all I wanted to shake her young veins
Until love poured out of her like a stream of blood,
iirc, last time you wanted to shake her young arms until love poured out like a comet.
why don't you just shake her young, tender body until love drops out of her like an egg?

And all I wanted was to slip my hand through her hair,
And whisper, and call her my beautiful
New York Angel. And
All I wanted was to touch her so softly that she’d start crying.
personally, i'd drop so then replace that with so.
but potayto, potahto. or buhtader if you prefer.

And all I wanted to do was say a thousand things
All at once, that would make her smile, get rid of the
dark rings under her eyes, straighten her hair,
and unbutton that red vest that was constricting her lungs.
I closed my eyes.

Time passed like a stream of blood,
ew.
of course if you had gone with the egg theme,
God only knows what time might have passed like.

She kissed my cheek
With such a terrifying desperation.
do you need a ?
My eyes locked open.
She whispered something drunk in my ear
And her lips slipped on her way to my lips. And she started crying.
And she held me right there in between the elevator and something else,
do you need in ?
Keeping me safe,
From the thought we were both so suddenly okay with.

Nice enough, but lol @ yer title.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
well, I did kind of enjoy this...nice little snip-bit of something that I am sure most of us wouldn't mind happening in our lives. Was Aerosmith's "Love in an elevator" playing in the back ground during this scene.

I have always enjoyed your movie scene type writing and this is no exception.
#4
Eh. This was ok. Amusing... but not much more. I'm sure there is more that I'm missing... it just doesn't sit right with me. There was something about it that was so unbelievable that it just didn't strike me. I think I understand your comments on my pieces better though... I think that is what you mean about mine. (Sorry, I always hate throwing other people's comments back at them, I don't want them to think I am bitter, because I'm not). I'm sure that was also the point of the piece, to be so unbelievable that it highlights some aspect of humanity or something deep like that. This is pretty much a shit, rambling comment. I don't really feel comfortable critiquing your writing style, you've had so much more practice than I have, that I'm sure it is above me, so it would just become proofreading which you can do on your own. As a whole, I didn't take anything out of this other than a small chuckle at some of the ott ideas and a decent read. That's not a bad thing... it just didn't really impact me either.
#5
The fact that you are using my sisters name spoils this for me.
#6
I don't believe you. I just don't believe the narrator. Did this really happen to you? I don't normally have this problem, but I just have the feeling that the narrator's lying when i'm reading it.

I'll be back to elaborate.
#7
Quote by Lum
The fact that you are using my sisters name spoils this for me.



What a ridiculously stupid thing to base your opinion on.
#8
Quote by skagitup
I don't believe you. I just don't believe the narrator. Did this really happen to you? I don't normally have this problem, but I just have the feeling that the narrator's lying when i'm reading it.

I'll be back to elaborate.


I think in this case it doesnt matter if you believe the narrator, the girl could be real or immaterial, whichever you want. Either way she represents a hope that, I believe, people desperately cling to. So yea, regardless of whether the story happened in reality or in the narrator's mind it's still a story that happened somewhere and shouldnt be ostracized because it's not entirely believable.

That said, I really wish I went a more "believable" path with this piece, I think it would have paid off to a greater extent. Hell, maybe I'll write the same story again.

to all of you who have read and commented. Really really appreciated.