#1
Just wrote this.

What do you think?

I'll C4C if you want, leave the link here.

Here it goes:

It was in times of trouble
That I needed your support
Though your help is now denied
So I’m left on my own

Come back to me (oooh)
I need your smile
I need your presence
Come back to me

You left me in despair
Broken into a hundred pieces
I crawled into darkness
In search of shelter

Come back to me (oooh)
I need your smile
I need your presence
Come back to me

I’ve tried to get over it
Weeks based on caffeine
Cheap self-esteem books
Nothing seems to work

But Maybe One Day
I might see you again
Maybe one day…
Maybe one day…
#2
It was in times of trouble
That I needed your support
Though your help is now denied
So I’m left on my own

ok, is this a bridge over troubled water sort of a topic?(the reader thinks..), ok, that's cool.. .. vague notion of 'why was 'help' denied?'

Come back to me (oooh)
I need your smile
I need your presence
Come back to me

just so you know, saying 'i need you' or something, -it's giving the 'power' to the other person, and away from yourself. so the protagonist in this song is kind of powerless. but, may fit. . .


You left me in despair
Broken into a hundred pieces
I crawled into darkness
In search of shelter

i think that the 2nd line and the 4th lines are both a little cliche, - if you've been left in despair, really describe it... how'd it really feel? did you get raging drunk and break something? a mirror or something? or do you just sit around and watch tv? and when you crawled into darkness, what kind of darkeness again, was it? - like alcohol or drugs? or 1 night stands with hussies you don't even like?


Come back to me (oooh)
I need your smile
I need your presence
Come back to me


I’ve tried to get over it
Weeks based on caffeine
Cheap self-esteem books
Nothing seems to work

i like 'weeks based on caffeine'
- cheap self-esteem books, it works... kind of. it means though that the protagonist here that we're supposed to identify with is out buying those bull**** books at a barnes and noble or something.... and that's kind of pathetic


But Maybe One Day
I might see you again
Maybe one day…
Maybe one day…


i like this last stanza, but maybe tweak it a bit, poss. - (maybe for only one day... or maybe this day.. or maybe just once i'll see you again et. la)


but overall, not a bad effort, .. esp that 'weeks based on caffeine line' . nice

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=874939
#3
Hey Baboon
I really like it should make a lil recording Like the above gentleman said I like the lane weeks based on caffeine and i like the cheap self esteem books line too!
Oompa Loompas.