#1
My first post here... I wanted to make this song in to an indie type of beat and music. Hope you enjoy!
Flawed Utopia
I walk this ocean sand
sat down and talked with
a son of sam
back of the bottle around my neck...
screaming for someone to stop this wreck
This man said to me
"boy get out of this place
by next september i dont want to see your face"

*chorus* 2x
So get in line at the waterfall
its worship time
come one come all
and realize...
were all just a number on a wall
*end chorus*

But I....
I-iii
drew the sunset

(instrumental)

Bridge
We all come to serve here
cause it our time..
to go
but past generation will never know
how its ****ing sad
that i am the only digit who says no

(instrumental)

*Chorus*
#2
a little short so far, but it's good i guess. if i may ask, whats it about? where'd u get the inspiration to write it?
#3
I agree with the first comment, could do with another verse and chorus before you reach the bridge, just seems a little abrupt. You cut your message off before you really begin to get it through and develop it.
#4
No I don't agree with you fella's. I think short songs are better. I really like your song mate, its just my style.

I love the way you twist words and their meanings around like "ocean sand", sand being dry while the ocean obviously being wet! "back of the bottle around my neck..." Again you have molded phrases into something else. Your seemingly irregular ryhming scheme is effective as well and puts an interesting, weird slant on the overal piece.

I'm guessing its about school and the way its supposed to be a "Utopia" for children to flock around the "waterfall" (symbolic for youth and prosperity) but it turns out to be a place to "worship" the more succesful students and teachers. And all you end up doing is "serving" the "digits" (or pupils) and their conformaty?
I could be wrong, but thats what I like about it, it could be about any number of different themes or ideas.

You refer to different aspects of school life as well, "drew the sunset", "past generation" (schools are often recognized as a place of forgotten maturity and the ageing past. People have gone throught the school and gone on to live their lives in other words) I think thats a very simple and effective way of reinforcing your theme.

Great work.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I'm guessing its about school and the way its supposed to be a "Utopia" for children to flock around the "waterfall" (symbolic for youth and prosperity) but it turns out to be a place to "worship" the more succesful students and teachers. And all you end up doing is "serving" the "digits" (or pupils) and their conformaty?
I could be wrong, but thats what I like about it, it could be about any number of different themes or ideas.

You refer to different aspects of school life as well, "drew the sunset", "past generation" (schools are often recognized as a place of forgotten maturity and the ageing past. People have gone throught the school and gone on to live their lives in other words) I think thats a very simple and effective way of reinforcing your theme.

Great work.



Wow dude... You really did think deep on this one... I stand corrected, there is a complete message in the song, I just didn't understand the subtle clues!
#6
It just caught me, I don't usually understand things like that. This time I just felt something, so to speak. I find subtle clues easier to deal with than deep and long ones, so maybe your the opposite.
#7
I don't know was just watching the new got frustrated with society and wrote it, thanks alot, i want to add another verse but just wanna make sure that it fits in so far not so good but ill keep trying
#8
this really reminds me of middleman or Cleanse song from Cassadaga (bright eyes, 2007- saddle creek records)

i like it short too, if you have the right balance of instrumental bits.

Yeah. The rumors are true. I'm a twat.