#1
This is the most recent song I've written. I don't have it recorded yet but I plan to in a couple weeks. C4C of course.

The style is indie/acoustic with kind of a bluesy feel. The title, Oxygen, comes from a joke between myself and my friends that music is so present in my life, I basically breathe it.


Oxygen


Verse:

Wrote something nice, one of a thousand and fifty

Holes where I happily throw my ambition

On the door when I was born it said, "Please no musicians."

The doctor said, "Girl, you don’t know what you’re missing."


Got a poet instead

My thoughts go from my mouth to my head

(My mouth to my head)

I’m a Mozart of the heart

Give me a key, I don’t stop once I start

And hell yes I’m starting


Chorus:

Stuck in my head like a shape to a square

And I share all the sounds like I’m trading my air

And I’m bored with the norm like I always have been

I have sung

I have sinned

This is my oxygen


Verse:

"You know I’m not a prophet,

I just cough this up."

Hypocrisy

Opinions are my minions

The motifs of my reason, see

All I need from society

Is to believe in something, please

Yeah just believe in something, please


The difference between prisoners and little girls and you and me:

A set of bars, a loud alarm, and clouds above the ones who see


And the echo of the last laugh that only one person can hear


Chorus Repeat

Bridge:

You can shun me for loving

Your best friend won’t care

It’ll start with a stare and soon they are sold

Honesty has promised me my share of the gold

But what do I care if my diamonds get old

Chorus:

’Cause whoever planned stuff had one thing in mind

I will sing, yes I’ll sing, ’til the day that I die

And the permanence of words will be my immortality

What an easy job, my friends

I’ve only got to breathe


Any comments are appreciated. & C4C.
#2
This is a pretty cool little song. In fact, the only thing that bugged me was the double line spacing

You've got good flow, rhythm and rhyme, which is all you need for a decent song. Thing is, you've got the extra of cool ideas and lines in there as well.

So, yeah. Good stuff.
#3
|m/!!! I know just how you feel!

Ibanez SR506BM
Ashdown Little Giant 1000w
Peavey TVX 115+410
A big ass upright

#4
Oxygen


Verse:

Wrote something nice, one of a thousand and fifty

Holes where I happily throw my ambition
one of my favourite lines from this piece.

On the door when I was born it said, "Please no musicians."

The doctor said, "Girl, you don’t know what you’re missing."


Got a poet instead

My thoughts go from my mouth to my head
this seems backward to me, but i'll go along.

(My mouth to my head)

I’m a Mozart of the heart
i can't decide if i love this or i hate it.
definitely a hook.


Give me a key, I don’t stop once I start

And hell yes I’m starting


Chorus:

Stuck in my head like a shape to a square

And I share all the sounds like I’m trading my air

And I’m bored with the norm like I always have been

I have sung

I have sinned

This is my oxygen


Verse:

"You know I’m not a prophet,

I just cough this up."

Hypocrisy

Opinions are my minions
doesn't really make all that much sense
but the internal rhyme adds much
it's a keeper.


The motifs of my reason, see

All I need from society

Is to believe in something, please

Yeah just believe in something, please


The difference between prisoners and little girls and you and me:

A set of bars, a loud alarm, and clouds above the ones who see


And the echo of the last laugh that only one person can hear


Chorus Repeat

Bridge:

You can shun me for loving

Your best friend won’t care

It’ll start with a stare and soon they are sold

Honesty has promised me my share of the gold
if the rhythm can tolerate, drop me.

But what do I care if my diamonds get old
the motivation for having this thought
doesn't really follow what came before.
dropping But would allow you to get rid of the dependency.
or consider turning this around.
diamonds still sparkle when they're old, or something.

Chorus:

’Cause whoever planned stuff had one thing in mind

I will sing, yes I’ll sing, ’til the day that I die

And the permanence of words will be my immortality

What an easy job, my friends

I’ve only got to breathe


i didn't like the last 5 lines, especially the third.
the thought that your words can live on even after you're gone is a good one.
but immortality is not a word the flows easily from the tongue
and permanence of words is far too 'intellectual', imho.
i'd revisit this to see if you can keep it lighter
and concentrate on rhythm
while still conveying these thoughts.

the rest of it has too much going for it
to not tie this up with a tidy ending.


btw, thanks for visiting mine. :]
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 5, 2008,