#1
This is a song that me and my friend wrote last night, well really its mostly a poem, i don't kno but please crit.


hello, lets begin.
Begin...A funny word, it signifies
my love, my hate, my dreams and wishes
that prompted me to start anew, for you see
beginnings are always forged not sewn,
thrown but not gently pushed on....
And to receive a new beginning you must first
create closure for your old life,
which is not only a finisher of the old,
but a spawn point of the new life to come
....us.... like one plus two is two,
a fact that is never true.
so concrete and yet so abstract,
like a deadly transparent demonic ghost,
and what i miss the most were the feelings i had.
like our own little haunted house,
protecting yet threatening, enchanting yet gruesome.
And like a handsewn safe, or like the reapers steady pace,
things were perfectly aligned, but yet
entirely demented and chaotic.
You would tell me to calm down,
but i only speak the truth and the truth shall set you free
.....so, to everyone in my dilema,
forget the trash and lies you are fed. take control.
And remember you are a machine.
Just another picture on a bathroom door.
Completly different from the next,
but exactly the same as the one before


thanks for reading please crit
#2
I'm not sure how this would work as a song, perhaps you could break it up into verses and use the last 4 lines as a chorus... but as a poem it's really good. Love the ending and the whole thing has a really nice rhythm and flow to it. Good stuff.