#1
dopplar.


crescendo-innuendo.
"i have nothing
but a diary
full of dreams,
atrophy,
and nonsense."
it is my poetry;
it is my providence.

her grasp goes
way beyond the
eclectic curvature
of my words.
a lofty task
assuming masks;
the page remains
obscured.

i guess i'm a starving artist
because there's murder in the cabinets.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 5, 2008,
#2
Is this about how you write in your "diary" and when you speak in general about stuff that feels like "nonsense" to you? If you know what I mean?

Or is about how this person, "her" is in control of you and what you say?
#3
crescendo, I believe.

I really liked this and the meaning I got out of it, something relatable too.

I'm still not sure if the stabby endings work when you tend to have the rhyhtm and rhyme thing down, but I guess they draw some immpact from that.

So, yeah, really liked this one Kent.

#4
The stabby ending suits perfectly I think. It would seem a little deriavtive if you just kept with the same process the whole way through. It adds impact like the guy says.
#5
a solid piece.
not a favorite from you,
but you've already set the bar quite high.

i doubt you need to punch up poetry and providence with italics.
the identical starts to those lines do well to make them stand out.
far might work better than way to precede beyond.
i think it looks cleaner without being overly formal.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Is this about how you write in your "diary" and when you speak in general about stuff that feels like "nonsense" to you? If you know what I mean?

Or is about how this person, "her" is in control of you and what you say?

there's so much meaning behind this, all i'm gonna say is that you're getting warm; not in a bad way or anything, it might just be best though to take out of this what you feel suits best.

SYK, the parts italicized.......read them out loud like someone reached into your chest and stole your last breath of air. that may help what i was trying to convey.
however; i can see it from your perspective on the issue.

Jamie, thank you for the spell check man. i still can't believe i misspelled it, lol.

thank all you guys for your words. they mean very much to me.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Quote by ottoavist
dopplar.


crescendo-innuendo.
"i have nothing
but a diary
full of dreams,
atrophy,
and nonsense."
it is my poetry;
it is my providence.

I like this much more if you put a ';' after dreams and then put "atrophy and nonsense." It does give it a different meaning, but IMO its a more impactful version of hte same thing. Its not only saying that the diary is full of all three, but the dreams are made of the atrophy and nonsense, which really is a much stronger sentiment.

her grasp goes
way beyond the
eclectic curvature
of my words.
a lofty task
assuming masks;
the page remains
obscured.

Don't like the "her." It has an almost name drop feel to it, even though it isn't one. It sort of put me off to this stanza a bit. Love curvature of words. And damn you adn your flow... its so pretty.

i guess i'm a starving artist
because there's murder in the cabinets.

Class.



To be perfectly honest, this is my absolute favorite from you. Your other ones are pretty.... but this is exceptional. It made so many points, so many personal truths are vibrant in this, and yet I still could pull my own truths from it. My only negative (other than the quick comments above) is that your mother's japanese friend's neighbor's, milkman's dog is crack whore.

I have a new one... just a quick comment would be much appreciated, though I'm sure I already owe you a bunch.
#8
Quote by ottoavist
dopplar.


crescendo-innuendo.
"i have nothing
but a diary
full of dreams,
atrophy,
and nonsense."
it is my poetry;
it is my providence.

This came of in a dark manner, which is good because there's not many that does that without mentioning alchohol, here in UG.



Quote by ottoavist

i guess i'm a starving artist
because there's murder in the cabinets.


Hmm this came out of nowhere but It feels that probably your character is a self-distructive one. I did like this line.

Overall ir's something new from you, in style. Which is good.

I enjoyed.
#9
lol Zach at your only other "negative." thank you for the crit though man.

Fred, thanks a bunch.

i'm pretty sure i've got everybody back now, except King James and SYK? if you've got one out.
i'll be getting there soon.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
I liked the first stanza especially the nonsense/providence rhyme. The second stanza I didn't really understand, it felt like it "got lost within itself". The final stanza I liked, very witty, and it ended strong. Thanks for the crit. on my piece.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#11
Quote by ottoavist
dopplar.


crescendo-innuendo.
"i have nothing
but a diary
full of dreams,
atrophy,
and nonsense."
it is my poetry;
it is my providence.

Your flow is impeccable as always. I didn't like "crescendo-innuendo," though. Because of the way you put it, I read it quickly. And because "crescendo" ends with an open vowel and "innuendo" begins with an open vowel, saying it in rapid succession leaves a (bad) funny feeling in my mouth. But I read it again, and slowing it down makes it better. So maybe if you formatted it like "crescendo, / innuendo." it would read nicer.

her grasp goes
way beyond the
eclectic curvature
of my words.
a lofty task
assuming masks;
the page remains
obscured.

I love this. It's so easy to understand and beautifully written. However, I don't like the sing-songy way "obscured" rhymes with "words." But it fits, so I shouldn't complain.

i guess i'm a starving artist
because there's murder in the cabinets.

Yay.


Sooo good. You've been putting out amazing work, lately.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 6, 2008,
#12
this space is reserved.

i'll probably be back to offer greater insight, but i basically thought this was a
crazy little evening.
this reminded me of when i was at the parade and my aunt was looking at the entertainers and then i looked at the sky.

crescendo-innuendo was too 'poetic' for me... it reminded me of the red-hot-chili-peppers or something. horrid.
the rest was wonderful, especially the
ending.

glorious, your flow is just delightful.
#13
Quote by ottoavist
there's so much meaning behind this, all i'm gonna say is that you're getting warm; not in a bad way or anything, it might just be best though to take out of this what you feel suits best.

SYK, the parts italicized.......read them out loud like someone reached into your chest and stole your last breath of air. that may help what i was trying to convey.
however; i can see it from your perspective on the issue.

Jamie, thank you for the spell check man. i still can't believe i misspelled it, lol.

thank all you guys for your words. they mean very much to me.



I know I'm going to seem like a complete noob...I kinda am when it comes to complicated lyrical passages like this. But, tell me, how do you go about writing something like this? I know my thoughts aren't go to go very far in this forum or topic, but you have to start somewhere.
#15
thank you guys for your comments; i really can't tell you how much it means.

AngryGoldfish; i don't really know if we can discuss your question here in my thread...
P.M. me with your thoughts; i'll make sure to send feedback.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18
Quote by Joris
I get you.


pfft. don't even try. the metaphysical vacuum it creates will scalp your soul, and contort your plexis frown into a wal-mart smiley-face.

lol. thank you Joris.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.