#1
A.X.Y.B.Up.Down.Left.Right

A mother pleads for a gift
Just something to say “I love you”
You can't say she is special
When expression is no longer there

Burning down the schools again
Printing off a nameless fame
Calling out for parents blame
But it all stays the same

I can change this game
I can make it real
You gave all you could give
And now your dying

Exploiting the system
With a symbiotic soul
How could you leave her alone
To raise the kids on her own

My fingers are forever changing
Pressing all the right buttons
Reigning over the cages
The cage that never ages

I can change this flower
I can make it love
You gave all you could give
And now your dying
Away

The balance belongs in the flower
But the biological warfare of bees
Forever bombs their society
From the fruit filled trees

I can change this game
I can gamble for more
You gave all you could give
And now your dying




Any critizism will be returned. Thanks.

________________________________________________________________


I have no idea whether anyone will like this or not. I have pretty much totally rewritten the intial piece. It has a very different vibe and covers a different subject besides the relation to cheating in a game and cheating in life. If its crap...tell me, I'll try again.


A.X.Y.B.Up.Down.Left.Right

Fingers that are forever changing
Inside the world of electronics
Pressing all the right buttons
Escaping into your own little realm

Standing in line with an ice cream
Printing off a nameless fame.
Burning down all the schools
Would only make my taste bloom

I can see their pockets come alive
As they reach inside and retrieve their mind

Vicariously you sit there and wait
Maybe for me to start my torch?
But I think your trying to understand
Why I didn't burn you down instead?

And that question you will never possess
Cause' inside your still just an anthrax
Thrusting out your hand to anything
At an assemble of nothingness

And you'll never connect my controller
Its hiding away in its own little realm
Ready for pick up at any time
But it only swallows my word

I can see their pockets come alive
As they reach inside and retrieve their mind
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jun 9, 2008,
#2
Wow i really like the emotion that this song has in it. I can tell you were feeling some pretty strong emotions while writing. Also love the symbolism involved with Bees and Flowers just makes the song even better.
#3
Quote by fightoffyourdem
Wow i really like the emotion that this song has in it. I can tell you were feeling some pretty strong emotions while writing. Also love the symbolism involved with Bees and Flowers just makes the song even better.



Cheers mate.
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Loved the title (I get the reference). I should be back with more later.


You get the reference. Sweet. I didn't think anyone would. I thought it was too vague.
#6
Deftones have a song with a similar title on 'Saturday Night Wrist'. But it's a different cheat code.
My name is Andy
Quote by MudMartin
Only looking at music as math and theory, is like only looking at the love of your life as flesh and bone.

Swinging to the rhythm of the New World Order,
Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums
#7
Quote by Ænimus Prime
Deftones have a song with a similar title on 'Saturday Night Wrist'. But it's a different cheat code.



Thats where I conjured the idea from. That song is a instrumental so I thought there will be no harm in taking inspiration from it. The title I choose was amongst others and this was the one I selected. If you feel I need to change it due to the relation to the Deftones song, U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,A,B,Select,Start, then I will.
#8
No you do what you want, I brought it up because I wasn't sure if you were aware of that song or not.
My name is Andy
Quote by MudMartin
Only looking at music as math and theory, is like only looking at the love of your life as flesh and bone.

Swinging to the rhythm of the New World Order,
Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums
#9
Quote by AngryGoldfish
A.X.Y.B.Up.Down.Left.Right

A mother pleads for a gift
Just something to say “I love you”
You can't say she is special
When expression is no longer there

Take out the quotes and let it stand on its own. We get it, pulling it out like that makes it stick out too much... and its cliche as all hell. To be honest, this sets up the piece well... but its boring. Neat idea in the last two lines... but the first two made me want to stop reading already. It just starts out so... unoriginal and sappy... that the outlook is bleak.

Burning down the schools again
Printing off a nameless fame
Calling out for parents blame
But it all stays the same

Again, two good lines, two bad ones. The first two were awesome. Then you go to "serious" mode and drop the creativity... the transition from original to thoughtless is awful. Plus, it feels like you are trying to explain what you said in the first two lines... let them speak for themselves.

I can change this game
I can make it real
You gave all you could give
And now your dying

Ugh. All promise this piece showed was just shoved out the window of the 61st floor. This was horrible, to be perfectly frank. Its cliche, its not well executed, its not witty... it had nothing going for it really. I've heard this in 10000000000000 other pieces. Drop it.

Exploiting the system
With a symbiotic soul
How could you leave her alone
To raise the kids on her own

Meh, this whole stanza feels like it is just there so you could use "symbiotic soul" in the piece. It completely shifts the focus of the piece from teh "I" to the I's father. Either htat or I has suddenly become and adult... either way the shift is more than uncomfortable... and then it goes right back in the next stanza.


My fingers are forever changing
Pressing all the right buttons
Reigning over the cages
The cage that never ages

You took what is an absolutely fantastic idea here... and ruined it. You could have done so much with the idea... you have SO many options with the cheating life thing... with the losing yourself in video games and escaping reality... and you went with the safest possible way... and to be honest again, I'm quite disappointed. forgive all the ellipses, BTW; I'm rambling.

I can change this flower
I can make it love
You gave all you could give
And now your dying
Away

The balance belongs in the flower
But the biological warfare of bees
Forever bombs their society
From the fruit filled trees

I can change this game
I can gamble for more
You gave all you could give
And now your dying



Ok, the last three just felt like they were dragging on and on and on. IN fact, this whole piece seems too. My main advice, cut it down. Condense, condense condense. You have such an interesting idea hiding in there... but you covered it up with stuff. You hid it behind a cliche story, which seemed hit and miss with emotion. Half of this piece seems intensely personal, and the other half feels like you couldn't give two shits. Cut it down, re-write is you that your "cheating" idea rings truer and really highlight the quirkiness of the idea. Use the originality to your advantage and create something beautiful and personal, but with enough punch to keep me interested.

Also, don't explain your imagery. Let it do its thing and explain itself. Throughout the piece, anytime you introduced a decent image that the reader could really take in and enjoy... you ruined it in the next line. Like showing someone an inkblot and then telling htem what they are supposed to see... it takes the reader out of the piece and makes them a spectator, which leaves us feeling disconnected.

Sorry if that came off harsh... I'm quite sure it did... just trying to help you grow as a writer.

-zC
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
A.X.Y.B.Up.Down.Left.Right

I'm not gonna tear you up as much as ZanasCross, but he's right on a few points. Let me put my spin on it.

A mother pleads for a gift
Just something to say “I love you”
You can't say she is special
When expression is no longer there
I don't think it's right to say "no LONGER there". As if a young boy has a change of opinion, or his love burnt out or something. The love is still developing...

Burning down the schools again
Printing off a nameless fame
Calling out for parents blame
But it all stays the same
This got all metal on me. Everytime I hear the word "nameless", I think "ugh, metal". I don't think it's all that stellar. A complete change of mood.

I can change this game
I can make it real
You gave all you could give
And now your dying
It's not the first time you've done this, but that last line REALLY sticks out. I don't think the stanza has an actual place in the subject.


Exploiting the system
With a symbiotic soul
How could you leave her alone
To raise the kids on her own
Hate the rhyme scheme. And I don't see how the first two lines match with the last two.

My fingers are forever changing
Pressing all the right buttons
Reigning over the cages
The cage that never ages
First two lines are good, next two used the "age" rhyme WAY too much. I heard it three times in a six word limit. Ugh.

I can change this flower
I can make it love
You gave all you could give
And now your dying
Away
Make line four rhyme. Hows about "but it just wasn't enough". "Away" has no place here.

The balance belongs in the flower
But the biological warfare of bees
Forever bombs their society
From the fruit filled trees
A bit of a mouthful, but says what seems to make sence.

I can change this game
I can gamble for more
You gave all you could give
And now your dying




Any critizism will be returned. Thanks.


I think the game captured the mood just fine (you stopped mentioniing the mother, which gave a sense of isolation). I think some of your expressions, as Zc said, aren't top notch. Some editing will fix that.

C4C in my sig, please?
#11
Thanks for both comments lads, I appreciate it. It feels like I've been kicked in the nuts, but people need that sometimes. I'll see what corrections I can make. I assume, by the sounds of it, I should re-write the main scheme of it and just stick to one of the ideas; Gaming and its relation to cheating in life.
I think my main problem is I use to many themes in my stuff, and then it becomes over crowded and sometimes lines don't connect with each other properly like both of you have noticed.
Thanks again.
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The balance belongs in the flower
But the biological warfare of bees
Forever bombs their society
From the fruit filled trees


I loved the whole thing, especially those lines ^ Great title as well, it caught my attention.

And thanks for the crit on my song. Keep up the good work.