#1
my 2nd poem ive written
(C4C)
ill return the favor
-------------------------------------------------
A Cloud of decitefullness has clouded our eyes,
we are blinded by the very ways in which we were taught,
we are blinded from the truth,
the light,
you cannot trust "them", for they will find your weakness,
use it against you,
and that is only the beginning,
for when Hell is upon you,
and you stare into the millions of souls who have so willingly chosen
the path of darkness,
you will be one of them,
a slave,[ took out the "satan" part]
only to suffer for what you belived was right.
you, unfortunately,
were wrong, but aren't we all?
are we not "imperfect"?
for if we were, would there be nothing left to accomplish in life?
no goals, no dreams, nothing to stride for?
you can not live knowing this, it would kill your soul,
and to do so is to commit suicide, [ revised this part]
to kill the very person that you are,
so what are we in the end?
A Perfectionist?
A Dreamer?
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 6, 2008,
#2
nice...I actually really like this

I'm not sure if the format of the poem is supposed to dictate some timing or tempo but it sounds good to me...this is more along my style to...nice and dark lol...but it seems to have a light connotation to it too

the only thing that I'm not sure about is deceitfullness...is that a word? lol it doesn't matter though cause it fits the poem and poets make up words all the time

is this supposed to be a religious poem too or just a concept?
Originally Posted by NAME GOES HERE
Dude, with a name like Cannibal Corpse, what were you expecting? Ponies and rainbows?

#3
It seems as if the "aren't we all imperfect?" line tried to establish a turning point, but (and I'm saying this without religious bias) you didn't actually TAKE that anywhere. No one is going to kill themselves because they're imperfect.
#4
i was saying that if we were perfect, we would all be the same and it would be boring.
but i see what you mean.
but i wrote the poem with that intention, so i'll leave it like that till i can find a revision.

and thanks guitar player,i have a sort of darkside, so i can write soem pretty dark side.
and decitefullness is spelled wrong.
the spellchecker did not pick it up tho.

and it is a concept
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 6, 2008,
#5
To be honest, I thought it had great potential, but failed hard. It's one big long cliche. The last two lines are odd, I don't know what relevance they have to the poem...
I think you take it away, go back to it, and write down all the ideas that you want to communicate in the poem, then write down ten different ways of saying those ideas, then choose the least cliched ones. It would work much better in a more abstract vein. the "slave of satan" "hell is upon you" "ultimate sin" lines cheapen what could be a great mood but gets dragged down to 13 yr old amateur school poetry competition level.
Just give it a lot more work.
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#6
i wrote this in like 15 min.
so ya
i can see why it can be cliche.
i didnt revise it b/c i wanted people to see what i can improve on with out ruining teh whole song trying to do it my self. =p

EDIT:
its revised a bit.
but ill fix it later
last day of school.
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 6, 2008,
#7
Yuh it's nothin personal, I mean I have to say I never really like satan devil poem thingies, nothin religious I just think it's hard to do well... But yerr for your second poem and a quick effort there's a lot of potential in there, that's what I'm sayin, just take some more time over it, and you'll find more creative ways to express yourself.
If you like the whole darkside of lyrics an devil mentions an that, then check out a lot of old blues lyrics... even if the music isn't your thing, they knew how to add some style to what is an increasingly overused and cliched topic
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
#8
I actually really enjoy your flow.
One of the few things I didn't like is how you didn't finish your first sentence until you were (more than) halfway done with your poem.
I think you need to add periods to emphasize certain parts.
Other than that, it was a HUGE goth cliche.
Which detracted a lot from it, for me.

But you do have a good feel for rhythm.
Rhythm is half the battle.
I see potential. Keep it up.
And maybe lighten it up, too.
#9
I like it a lot...
"you cannot trust "them", for they will find your weakness,
use it against you,
and that is only the beginning,
for when Hell is upon you," Gave me a shiver! :P It's really well written, I'd like to see it used in a song or something to that extent. What influenced you to write this?

P.S. Ending was awesome!


Crit mine if you want.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=878393
#10
to my name is pete.
it just came to me.

to hunter.
i have a gift for being able to do that. =p
i came up with teh ending when i was typing =p.
and the lack of puncuation is how i wrote it.
i wanted it to flow that way
it gives the reader the feeling to read it they want to.
who said that it has to be the way YOU wrote it?

and on another note...

i belive cliche is just a way to limit ideas when you say it.
if you mean it.
and you wrote it with that potential.
then write it ad dont mind if its been done before!
=)
#11
Overall I really like it. However I did get confused when you talked about not striving for perfection. You said if we had perfection it would lead to suicide, but by saying that then that defeats the purpose of having that perfection because one who commits suicide is not perfect (If that made any sense). So are you trying to say that even if we are perfect we're still not in the end?
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=878500

I would give you a link to my other one but it got closed and if I open it up again i'll probably get a warning or something.
#12
questioning my self in the end of the poem, i wanted the reader to think about it.
lol
so i got you.. like bad.

i was saying that if we knew were perfect. then life would not have anything worth living for, and your soul would die. and when your soul dies, you might as well be dead.
its like a strage metaphor when i think of it.
#14
thanks.
can you point out the cliches?
that way i can fix them and it wont sound so dull.