#1
***
I’ve never met a futurist
who was waiting for the past to dissolve,
as he strikes at people from his cat-like stance,
all the while never expecting that someone like that
would want to marry him someday.

These are the kind of lives
you wouldn’t wish on your best friend,
who you didn’t realize betrayed you
on a daily basis,
until you finally got the nerve
to talk to your enemy.

“Watch out!,”
He’s coming up over your back,
even though he doesn’t have a tail,
I can suspect that he is happy with what he is doing,
and with the countless days
he spends sleeping in the trunk of a two door chevy.

“Yeah, there he goes, starting to gnaw on you a little”,
but don’t worry, his teeth have been gone for years,
lost on purpose to negate any post-burial identification,
because who is really going to remember him anyway?

Some say he is a psychic,
and to a degree, I would say yes,
but mostly I would conclude
that he has come to accept the future
a lot better than most of us.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jun 7, 2008,
#2
I feel the last two lines of S1 are quite awkward in saying what they're trying to say.

"got the nerve up" sounded a bit awkward too. Maybe it's just me but it's an odd way to put that. More so using "up" again a few lines later.

I've always hated seeing "because" shortened to "cause". I feel it should either be 'cos, because that is how it would be said, or use the full word. You could get away with 'cos as it is dialouge but I don't think you would do that, lol. I just don't like that contraction.

I liked the ending. A real solid, cohesive piece with a good, strong sentiment. Not one of my faovurites from you techniques-wise, but still a good read.

#3
cool crit jammy...thanks for the catch there on the 'cause' contraction...I almost do it subconsciously, and is a very bad habit.

thanks for the kind words, and it has been cool that you are commenting on my piece cause I certainly value your opinion very highly.
#4
Decent subject, though thhe last stanza was a tad bit cliche. No biggie. Flow was just... i dunno. It seemed unorganized.

And while I'm at it, I HAVE killed an hour, and it was the best book I ever read.
#5
yeah, tis one hell of a book, there are just so many quote within in it that I could do. Also, thanks for the comments.
#6
wow, that is a really cool first stanza, but unfortunately thats just about all that i liked.......
crite mine Numbed to Feel No Pain
#7
interesting...i had thought that that was one of the weaker stanzas, but oh well. To his his own.