#1
This is the first one I've posted on UG. It's supposed to be a whimsical number, based on , and in the pop-rock/power-chord slammer vein of Blink 182.

As it stands, I'm trying to add a second chorus, so it's a little ways from complete.

Thanks for your time.


Local Band


We are a crappy local band
We play music you can't stand
But we all try really hard
No, we can't play "Sweet Home Alabama"

I believe
We'll get signed
We've just got to keep playing
We'll have a hit eventually

We have to pay
For every toilet
You break
While you're trying
To take a leak
Just stay on that freaking seat
For the love of God!

Thanks for leaving us a tip
Please wish us luck on our trip
Back home
Though if you knew
What we've been through
You'd at least
Buy us some food
#2
If you haven't lived it, you can't write it.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
Nice!
Quote by chip46
"I'm discontinuing production on the Timmy now as well. It might come back into production at some point down the road, but probably not because people will just clone it anyway cause they're stupid jerk face doo doo heads. -Paul C."
#4
Just stay on the freaking seat, for the love of God! Funny stuff. I couldn't get a flow with this, though, so try and set up a meter, and then loosely work around it. You don't have to strickly adhere to a set meter, but it's good to let us know that you HAVE one, so we can judge your speed.
#5
Quote by freshtunes
If you haven't lived it, you can't write it.


Maybe.

But the life of a ninja is repetitive. There are only so many words that rhyme with "decapitate" and "discombobulate."


Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I couldn't get a flow with this, though, so try and set up a meter, and then loosely work around it.


Thanks, mate. I'll do a bit of fidgeting with it.
#6
I'd never advise tryin to write a song in the vein of Blink 182. They're really good at turning awful lyrics into great tunes... that's why I'm a fan of some of their tunes haha. But yeah, if that's what floats your boat, then you need to make this actually flow. Like ninjamonkey said, it needs to have a meter to it... There's some amusing stuff in there, but you can't sacrifice rhyme and meter just to include a funny line... If you really must have that particular line, then work on the surrounding verse to make it fit... this will double it's impact and make it stand out... and not in a way that the reader thinks "omg that really didn't fit "cringe." "
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