#1
In a 1991 red bronco with three people,
The only ones left I give a fuck about.
Or who used to give a shit about me.
We were cruising down Bunker,
Springsteen on the radio,
They were asking me if it was worth it,
The life I was leading,
The good times, the smoking, and dropping pills like taking a shit.

I could tell they were interested,
So I sold it like a door to door man,
I told it like a story by Charles Dickens,
Detailed and dark, dancing around my words,
Oh, what beautiful words they were,
With no sense to tie them together,
I rambled on and on in such a delightful way.
“Women love the bad boys; you just have to be a good looking one. With a stick up your ass, and an ego the size of a black mans dick. Needless to say I get lots of action now, more then I used to. ”
Translation: “It’s not worth it at all. I’m a fucking addict. I’m weak. I’m a coward. And I’m still too good for all of you. I just don’t know why. Yet.”

So I found myself alone later on that night,
Smoking a joint on the hood of that truck,
But the only buzz I got came through my ear,
From the wings of those god damn west Nile infected mosquitoes.
Maybe one will finally finish the job I started.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Jun 6, 2008,
#5
In a 1991 red bronco with three people,
The only ones left I give a **** about.
Or who used to give a **** about me.
We were cruising down Bunker,
Springsteen on the radio,
They were asking me if it was worth it,
The life I was leading,
The good times, the smoking, and dropping pills like taking a ****.

This would be helped a lot if you worked on the flow. The incessant use of commas after each line chomps this up. I know I'll sound like a whiny bitch, but I did feel the swearing was unnecessary - at least at this point in the poem. When used effectively it can add a lot to a piece (as you'll know) but as a reader I don't have enough of an emotional connection to the piece to quite understand why you're so angry, or what you're angry about. Content-wise, I think a lot of the imagery here is a bit bland. I mean, it paints a bit of a picture, but it's not like essential to the piece. I would've liked a bit more description of the characters, the scenery... anything that could evoke a bit of emotion.

I could tell they were interested,
So I sold it like a door to door man,
I told it like a story by Charles Dickens,
Detailed and dark, dancing around my words,
Oh, what beautiful words they were,
With no sense to tie them together,
I rambled on and on in such a delightful way.
“Women love the bad boys; you just have to be a good looking one. With a stick up your ass, and an ego the size of a black mans dick. Needless to say I get lots of action now, more then I used to. ”
Translation: “It’s not worth it at all. I’m a ****ing addict. I’m weak. I’m a coward. And I’m still too good for all of you. I just don’t know why. Yet.”

I'm guessing that the punctuation was intentional, but IMO it doesn't help the piece. I struggle to get into this. The first four lines were decent, but I would've ended L4 on a full stop, and started the next line with 'And oh, what...'. The the stuff in speech... I'm not keen on. The black man's dick thing is overused (and you need a ' after the n). This is so awkward to read, really, it is. Oh, and it's 'more THAN I used to'. And honestly, I can't see how the speech and the translation mirror each other - or how the translation is hidden in the speech. Especially the last part.

So I found myself alone later on that night,
Smoking a joint on the hood of that truck,
But the only buzz I’m getting is coming through my ear,
From the wings of those god damn west Nile infected mosquitoes.
Maybe one will finally finish the job I started.

The tense change doesn't work well (L3). This stanza is really smart though. The mosquito idea is really quite brilliant. I'd leave the 'so' out at the start of L1, and I'd change the tense in L3 back to past.

Overall, I think your main issue here was flow and continuity, and unnecessary descriptions. Idea wise, this is stellar. Could easily become a great piece.

I won't have anything up for a few weeks, but when I do would you mind just dropping a line on it?
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#6
thanks a bunch man I will get to yours.

Drop me a PM when its up.

The translation isnt supposed to have anything to do with the speech. Thats the point. If that makes sense. And In the last stanza the tense shift was completely accidental, I left this on my computer came back and finished it up. So thanks again.
#7
No problem
I think I understand the translation thing better now, I was just looking at it wrong.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.