#1
Don’t give me naїve, come on why so sad?
You know that love can turn a good man bad.
In easy whispers, leave you hard done by;
You won’t call my game with that vacant sigh.

If you’ll cry and cry-
Don’t care to trouble me.
As time you while by,
You can’t love this feeling.

Search the soul that fell, from grace and favour.
A hat-full of pride cut your seams undone.
While echoes they tease, from your eyes the tears;
That laugh in your foot-fall ain’t quite so clear.

If you’ll cry and cry-
Leave love to charity.
Though time it whiles by,
You can’t love this feeling.

tell me what you think
c4c as ever
#2
Think you could do with anothe verse, then a bridge and a a chorus on the end of this, it just seems a little short. Having said that, its short but sweet, you use good language to conjour up some really good imagery and let the message of your song come through. Great chorus, cold shoulder or what?
#4
To start this is definitely a great piece of work, and I really like it. When I read it, I get a kind of 'Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd' kind of vibe in my head. I'm not quite sure why, but hey it's Pink Floyd, whats wrong with that?!

One of the major weakness, actually, the only weakness is that it's almost too short. I think one or two more verse(s) would complete this. The point of this song, through my view, is a relationship problem. Eh, I'd just gone through one, so maybe it's just me. But it really connects. I'm not the greatest with this whole writing thing, but imo, this is great, and I'd like to read more from you.

If you do get the chance, crit mine please.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=878393
#5
Don’t give me naїve, come on why so sad?
You know that love can turn a good man bad.
the opening pair have hook written all over them.
tighten this up and it could be a chorus.
the second half of the first line doesn't play all that well with the definition of naїve,
but it isn't all that bad.
Sometimes rather than or following You know that
could add more uncertainty of outcome.
it makes this more plausible.

In easy whispers, leave you hard done by;
You won’t call my game with that vacant sigh.
these two are oddly phrased. i don't really 'get' them.


you went right over my head with the rest of this:
If you’ll cry and cry-
Don’t care to trouble me.
As time you while by,
You can’t love this feeling.

Search the soul that fell, from grace and favour.
A hat-full of pride cut your seams undone.
While echoes they tease, from your eyes the tears;
That laugh in your foot-fall ain’t quite so clear.

If you’ll cry and cry-
Leave love to charity.
Though time it whiles by,
You can’t love this feeling.
Meadows
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#6
Quote by Trickycindy
Don’t give me naїve, come on why so sad?
You know that love can turn a good man bad.
Well that was quick. At least you have an objective.
In easy whispers, leave you hard done by;
You won’t call my game with that vacant sigh.
"Hard done by"? "Call my game"? Doesn't do jack squat.

If you’ll cry and cry-
Don’t care to trouble me.
As time you while by,
You can’t love this feeling.
Last line is kinda hook-ish, but I don't know if it came across that way to everyone. The singer would have to get it right.

Search the soul that fell, from grace and favour.
Inappropriate comma.
A hat-full of pride cut your seams undone.
"A hat-full"? Why that? To be honest though, the whole line is weak as far as an image.
While echoes they tease, from your eyes the tears;
That laugh in your foot-fall ain’t quite so clear.
"Foot-fall"? These odd phrases aren't contributing, dude. Ditch them.

If you’ll cry and cry-
Leave love to charity.
Though time it whiles by,
"Time it whiles by"? Time is doing what?
You can’t love this feeling.

tell me what you think
c4c as ever


To be honest, kinda weak. It seems as though imagery is important to you though, which is good. I think your images here were weak, which is the only real weakness. Flow wasn't spectacular, which is to be expected from 5-foot lines, so I won't hold that against you. Just work on imagery.

Just my honest opinion...
#7
I agree with Riggs, Comfortably Numb is the song that popped into my head when i read this, pretty nice work if your compared to Pink Floyd

C4C
#8
Thanx for the crits everyone. You all made useful points.
I guess it's heavy on imagery and yes, some of it is obscure or perhaps meaningless... but each line is descriptive of a certain occasion or image in my mind...
I'm working on some other lyrics atm, but as soon as I've got enough suitable changes, I'll fully edit or repost this for you.

SomeoneYouKnew:

"Don't give me naive, come on why so sad?
You know that love can turn a good man bad."

- I wanted this to say that, the girl shouldn't hide behind a supposed naivety that explains her distress when she realises that love isn't always a fairytale.
But one man's coffee, another man's tea
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
O O O O O O O O O O
RED MILITIA FACTION
Last edited by Trickycindy at Jun 7, 2008,
#9
i liked it
yes the way it is phrased kinda throws people off
but i like it...just try to make it more clear
different is good in my eyes
#10
This is really weird. I still haven't figured why you use such odd langauge and strangly placed commas. "While echoes they tease, from your eyes the tears;" This line is...confusing like many of the other lines. I don't understand it. I know its roughly about love and the pain it can cause, but I don't know how you have reached that conclusion.